Over and Over agian

I find little comfort these days. I am only 19 but I have thought about killing myself for years. I think I  was 11 the first time  I have thought about it, but my parents told me since I was four I have always said things like I wish I was dead or I want to die. So I guess I have always thought about it. I have never tried because I know deep down I couldn’t do it to my mom and my dad how terrible would that be. But the thought has over taken so many that it scares me that one day I will give in. I dream as death will bring an emptiness to my life I could not go to heaven due to killing myself but I feel like Hell would be too much, I understand that isn’t what the bible says but it has always been a thought. I never had ever truly belonged anywhere. The only girl in a talented athletic family who was never great at sports.  Dyslexic so I never got amazing grades and everyone in elementary school never wanted to be my friend. Very few people know this in my real life. I wasn’t attractive as a young child overweight and after all the teasing I could never fit in anywhere. When middle school entered I was called so many names do to the fact I never could write properly. I than try to over compensate with amazing grades. I was the top of all my classes except for English where I had to go to an alternative class which I lied about to everyone. I never really found true friends. I felt so alone. My biggest fear was that I was never going to get married because you could love someone like me. Who would be okay with me. Not only did I have to deal with not fitting in my class room I had hormone problems my body was producing too many hormones that I had to start treatment my already overweight self soon gained about forty more pounds. Decreasing my self-esteem even more to the point of self-hatred. Becoming even more of a freak all I wanted to do was be normal. I tried so hard to fit in and be normal but nothing ever work I kept dreaming of killing myself and I cried myself to sleep every night. towards the end of 8th grade I started to starve myself in 9th grade  I got down to 110 at 5’7”. This lasted until my move in10th grade. When I lost about 80 pounds to become   more accepted people started to want to be my friend and I got my first boy in 9th grade I started to feel like I actually belong and started to make friends and I was so excited to go to school for the first time. It was the first time I started to feel not depressed.  Than my parents decided to move so my bothers could be in a better sports district for school. I had to leave the place where I started to feel at home. I than began to feel depressed again I began to binge eat to feel better and put on about 30 pounds fast over the next few year I had boys hit me, spit on me and abuse me all who claimed they loved me. I than begin to lose weight again in 12th grade the healthy way. My best friend who was 5′ and 100 pounds constantly talked about how fat she was so I started to starve myself again. With no real success due to the depression and birth control for my hormones I had been taking. I finished high school in a blur nothing was amazing but nothing was bad my senior year I had a blast and I was ready for college. I though college was going to be the time of my life due to the fact I finally had a nice guy for a boyfriend. But his emotional issues run as deeps as mine. Once college came depression hit harder than it ever did most day I couldn’t get out of bed. It was so bad that this year was going to be my second year of college my parents are making me sit out due to the depression. My friends don’t understand and my boyfriend is just as messed up as me. I constantly feel depressed these days and think about killing myself. I guess it is the one thought that comforts me that I have that control. I know I really don’t want to kill myself and deep down I have to work it out. I go to a psychologist to help out. I don’t take medication due the dependence and that my depression can be beatable I just have to do.  I just like to feel I am not alone.