Suicidal and Depressed:
How I Feel…
Over the years I have tried everything for help: psychotherapy, antidepressants, mental hospitals, religion, meditation, vitamins, exercise, subliminal tapes…
I am now hit with the worst depression of my life. I am hanging on to life by a thread. The suicidal thoughts are excruciating, lethal, overwhelming.
I know there is nothing anyone could say that will change how I feel inside. I am angry and tired of struggling to stay alive day after day. The pain of living is unbearable. I have made up my mind, in no uncertain terms, that if I can not find a real, life and death cure handed to me on a silver platter, I am going to kill myself.
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I have hundreds of suicidal thoughts a day…
But they aren’t just thoughts, they are compulsions; waves of pain & emotion, urging me, compelling me, drawing me in. They are dark, poisonous, deadly.
My days are full of desperation, crying and wringing of hands and unbelievable suicidal pain. It seems my own body has begun a self-destructive sequence to end my life. I am ready. I am resolved. I have chosen a way.
For a while people I love kept you attached to this earth. At this point, however, I am beyond all attachments. The strings that held me down to earth have almost disappeared.
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I feel that my loved ones will hardly notice I am gone.
There are few words that can comfort the suicidal. I doubt that anyone, on matter who they are, can bring comfort to me unless they are to tell me it is ok, that they understand. So few people interact with me that I don’t think anyone truly knows at this point. Jennifer knows that I am depressed but I hardly think that she even knows that I have even thought of suicide, let alone have a plan to carry out.
5 comments
Please email me at helpingotherssurvive@gmail.com. I want to help you.
Well your pain will only get worser, kill yourself.
I’m not gonna sit here and tell you to kill yourself, or not to. Because whatever you do, it’s your decision, your life, and no one else can tell you what to do about it. All I can tell you is that, yes, your loved ones WILL realize you’re gone. But I know how you feel totally. And again, before you make your decision you need to think long and hard, “Is this what I really want?” and whatever your answer is to that, is how you should make your decision.
I hope that you can find a way to make something artistic and meaningful out of your emotions and find the will to live from that.
My heart goes out to u, the fact that u have tried everything in your power to find a way to end your suffering and just live a normal life. I can’t imagine your pain.
I hope that u will tell your family how your feeling, really feeling, so that they are not left tortured by all that suicide does to those left behind.
I do hope and pray that a miracle will happen and u will find that peace u so desperately seek.