Suicidal and Depressed:
How I Feel…
Over the years I have tried everything for help: psychotherapy, antidepressants, mental hospitals, religion, meditation, vitamins, exercise, subliminal tapes…
I am now hit with the worst depression of my life.Â I am hanging on to life by a thread.Â The suicidal thoughts are excruciating, lethal, overwhelming.
I know there is nothing anyone could say that will change how I feel inside.Â I am angry and tired of struggling to stay alive day after day.Â The pain of living is unbearable.Â I have made up my mind, in no uncertain terms, that if I can not find a real, life and death cure handed to me on a silver platter, I am going to kill myself.
I have hundreds of suicidal thoughts a day…
But they aren’t just thoughts, they are compulsions; waves of pain & emotion, urging me, compelling me, drawing me in.Â They are dark, poisonous, deadly.
My days are full of desperation, crying and wringing of hands and unbelievable suicidal pain.Â It seems my own body has begun a self-destructive sequence to end my life.Â I am ready.Â I am resolved.Â I have chosen a way.
For a while people I love kept you attached to this earth.Â At this point, however, I am beyond all attachments.Â The strings that held me down to earth have almost disappeared.
I feel that my loved ones will hardly notice I am gone.
There are few words that can comfort the suicidal. I doubt that anyone, on matter who they are, can bring comfort to me unless they are to tell me it is ok, that they understand. So few people interact with me that I don’t think anyone truly knows at this point. Jennifer knows that I am depressed but I hardly think that she even knows that I have even thought of suicide, let alone have a plan to carry out.