I guess I came to a reasoning today that my mom is the reason why I’m like this.
I love her, because well shes my mom. I guess I’ve always been close to her.
But, she’s been dealing with depression for the same amount of time I have been. So it’s not like she could always lend a helping hand.
And it’s not like she didn’t try. she really did try to help me. But her reasoning was all off.
When I would come to her crying in 5th grade about the kids that made fun of me for being ugly, she wouldn’t tell me I was perfect the way I was. she would take me shopping and make me put on make up.
When I told her how I would cut she would tell me how thats not a normal thing to do, and people are going to think I’m weird, and I don’t want people to think I’m weird, do I?
When I told her I was depressed, her idea was just to drug me up on medicine. And When I wanted to go to a counselor, she told me how they wont be able to help and all they do is just listen, or give you false ideas. She told me she knew best, and that she would be better talking to me than anyone else.
She told me she would start paying me 5$ a week to loose weight. I’m not kidding.
She just always engraved in my head. “If you’re not pretty, you’re nothing.” She had body dismorphic disorder. Still does to an extent I guess.
I don’t know what her motives were and what they still are. I guess I just kind of snapped on her. I told her that she needs to stop worrying about me and breathing down my neck 24/7 asking me if I’m still suicidal. I have a doctors appointment on Friday, and I want to talk to the doctor by myself with out her in there, but I don’t know hows thats gonna work.. The moment I tell her I don’t want her in there, she’s gonna be pissed and tell me that what ever I can tell the doctor I can tell her, she’s gonna be mad that I’m hiding stuff from her. Ugh. I don’t know what to do.
So after reading this, do you think It’s my moms fault I’m so involved with my looks, to the point where I’m suicidal? Or do you think I’m just looking for someone to blame. please tell me truthfully.
9 comments
well this is a wired situation, you cant blame anyone about this because this is no one’s fault. and you have to be strong, more strong to help your mom. let her feel for an instance that you are not depressed at all, and you’re happy, that could also make your mom happy and give you a vey good chance to help your mom. thats what you need to do 🙂
I’m almost bitter though, like I don’t want to help her. Shes 53 for gods sake. I know she has her own problems and I know shes depressed. I just wish she would be more of mom instead of making me hold her in her arms while she cried. I don’t know. I know I’m being selfish. I just can’t help it.
now the point comes where you have to decide your way, if you want to help her then you can, or if you really dont want to, then you couldd seperate up from her and start a new life of yourself
I know. I love her and everything, it’s just I need a mom, not a child. I just don’t know what to do.
if i were at your place, i would surely help her. you have no idea how it feels when you loose your parents when youre just a teenager. well you have to keep up with iit if you want to see her happy, and if you will show her that nothing is wrong and everything is ging good, maybe it would make her o ut of depression and it will be better
Truthfully? Yes, I do think that your mom has handled things badly. And I do think that her focus on looks, and not being “weird”, and losing weight probably has a lot to do with why those things have become such a focus for you too. It’s not right that a fifteen year old kid (sorry, I hope that doesn’t sound patronizing) should have to be a mom to her mom. She doesn’t have the right to ask that of you, no matter how much you love her and she loves you.
But the thing is, unfortunately, when it comes down to it — placing blame can’t change how you feel about yourself. I don’t think it’s wrong to acknowledge to yourself the part your mother has played in how you feel. I think that can be a necessary step to move forward. But to battle the depression, the self-hatred and suicidal thoughts — in the end, that inevitably has to come from inside you, regardless of where it all originated.
With talking to your doctor… I think, personally, that you should try to hold your ground and speak to the doctor alone. Maybe he or she can even help you with ideas on how to handle your mother afterward, if she’s angry at you for not wanting her to be there too. It won’t be pleasant, but it sounds like you know this is something that you need. I wish you luck.
@triedtolong, thank you very much, you really have helped me with your post.
Hey, it doesn’t matter if it’s her fault or not. The reality is she projected on to you a low self esteem. Do your best to become aware of how you talk to yourself now. She may have put untruths in your head, like not being pretty means you’re nothing. but it’s not true…..it’s only true at this point if you continue believing it. Make a choice about yourself, for yourself and don’t include what anyone might say…..I feel like nothing these days but I DON’T JUDGE MYSELF. How you look, who you are….that’s you’re business, but don’t let anyone…including your parents or your mom judge you.
i don’t know much about this but maybe if you 2 ware apart for just a little wile… it would set you and your mom to think just a bit differently … maybe it is just the little push you need to overcome this…
this may be worthless to you but i still want you to know i red your post and want you to know i have to do with you …