What you wrote brought tears to my eyes. You described your mom in such a way that I kind of feel like I know her. It’s obvious that despite going through what no little girl should ever go through she became an amazing person and a very kind and loving mom.
It was also very obvious that she loved you very,very much and you her. I think if she were able to she would come back here and hold you forever and never let you go.
That she would tell you, “I love you and, I am SO PROUD of you! Hang in there!”
I know it’s tough right now, that you miss her so much you feel like your heart is breaking in two, and you have to fight to get up every morning, and just to remember how to breathe each and every moment of the day. That you would give ANYTHING just to see her ONE more time, just ONE more hug and “I Love You, Polly Wog… you’re my Flower Fairy.” Remember her, and the love she had for you. That if there was ANYWAY for her to be here with you she would be. Think of how sad she would be if you left, she loved you SO much… fight for the life she would’ve wanted for you, for the life she would’ve given you if she could have. If you can’t keep going, keep fighting for yourself at this point then do it for her, fight your way through this and get to the other side. She would’ve wanted you to be happy, to laugh and enjoy life… she would’ve wanted to be here with you.
Since she can’t be, you need to keep up the fight for her. Hopefully, one day it won’t only be for her but for you too.
In a way you remind me of one of my kids and myself at the same time.
My youngest, my daughter, is your age. Finishing high school and trying to find her way in this cruel, cold world. At the same time you remind me of myself. My dad died 2 years ago and there are times all I can do is cry, “I love you, Daddy. I miss you so much!” My dad was the only one I could count on. My mom was the one that knew I had been molested and she did everything she could to keep me from saying anything and getting the man, who was a family friend and a preacher in her church, in trouble.
My dad didn’t find out until 10 years later and said it was probably a good thing he hadn’t known because he would’ve been in jail for killing the guy. My mom found out because the only person I had trusted enough to tell had told her. She made me feel that it was my fault and that it wasn’t a big deal and that I “shouldn’t make waves because not everyone in her church was like that.” So I didn’t tell anyone else, instead I tried to OD 3 times the summer after I found out she knew and started cutting, trying to break through the unreality and taking out my pain, rage and hopelessnes on myself… and get used to the idea of slitting my wrist. I was 13 at the time. I cut all the way through high school and even after I was married. In those 8 years I didn’t do a lot of cuts but most of them, except for the very early ones were bad enough they should’ve had stitches. Among them, I cut down to the nerve and tried to cut the nerve twice. I was trying to cut my hand off or die trying.Don’t try it, it feels like liquid fire. If I had I would’ve had constant pain.
I cut on the pulse points on both wrists and diagonally along both arteries, figuring that I would hit one and they wouldn’t be able to save me even if someone did find me before I died. I hated myself so much, I hated the person that the man had touched, had done those things to. I HAD to punish her, I HAD to make her pay. I wish I had told my dad, HE would’ve supported me. HE would’ve gone with me to the police station… HE did take me to counseling but he didn’t know why I was suicidal… no one knew why except my mom and all she wanted to do was to keep the scandal out of the church.
But my dad, he was my hero. I was Daddy’s Little Girl. I miss him so much!
I’m sorry to have gone on and on about myself, but I want you to know that even though I don’t know what it’s like to be you, I do have an idea of some of what you’re going through. I’m sorry so much of that last paragraph is so … rambling. I started to zone out and had a hard time putting my thoughts in order, not to mention this is the second time I’ve written this post. The first one I was doing on my phone and was much better but I hit a wrong button and lost it all, UGH! I need to set up a new email and facebook account so I can get back on Holly’s site without my husband being able to find out, when I do, if you want I’ll give you my email and facebook name.
Hang in there, Hon. Please? Don’t give up?
All my best…. Journey.
12 comments
Thank you so much
in a wAy all I want to know is what she went threw and I wanna face the man that did it to her
and I do cut but have never done it to where I have scars
and I am sorry for what u went threw
and ya it is hard to be strong when all I wanna do is be with her
You’re welcome, Hon.
From what I’ve been seeing on here lately you seem to be doing better.
Good, just be careful how much you’re on here, it gets depressing.
I hope you remember this post on those days when things are not going good and you’ve had it… I hope it helps. I know I’m not your mom, I was just trying to think of what she would tell you if she could.
I really hope you get through this and stick with school and college, I wish I had. Now I’m stuck in a dead end job I hate.
So no matter how hard it gets, keep at it and don’t give up.
aww thanks that means a lot
and ya i will try to stick at it. its gonna be really hard with my learning problem but i will hang in there.
and this might sound lame that you made a post for me had put a big smile on my face and i got bigger the more i read and i was also crying tears of happiness.
i kinda feel better knowing that theres someone out there that went threw the same thing my mother went threw that i can look up to or talk to from time to time. that if your ok with it 🙂
I’m glad to hear you’re going to try to stick with it.
I don’t think it’s lame that a post I made for you made you smile… and that your smile got bigger the more you read it.
Believe me, I’m VERY glad to hear that because I was VERY bummed when I lost it off my phone and had to start all over!
Like I said it was worded better the first time around and I couldn’t believe when I realized I had lost the entire thing. I don’t know if I’m anyone to look up to but I try. As far as talking to me from time to time, I would be very ok with that… like I said you remind me of my kids and myself.
I wish someone had been there when I needed them so many years ago.
and I hope if my kids ever need someone that someone is there for them.
…. Journey
same hear
and thanks for all
you have the same heart my mother had
i wish one day i can have it too 🙂
i hope your husband will start to treat you like the sweetheart you are
You’re welcome for everything.
Thank you, I think I really like being compared to your mom 🙂 she sounds like she was one incredible lady. I think you were very lucky to have had her for your mother.
I think you already have a heart like she did and she was very lucky to have had you for a daughter.
As far as my husband goes, thanks, some days are better than others.
It means a lot to me that you think I’m a sweetheart… you seem like a very nice person and it’s nice to be appreciated.
ya it is nice to be
thats one thing i dont get
if anything i gotta fight with my sisters boyfriend all the time.
hes even made me wanna die so bad i had cut but it wasnt like my last time i od and cut that was dumb of me. it felt good to have a post made with my name in it haha i always wanted one on hear wow i sound lame.
and my heart i would say its more destroyed so i really cant see how its like my moms but i have tried 🙂
and i will come put him in line if i have to 🙂
Well, I appreciate you!
And you’re really awesome at helping people on here 🙂
Yeah, I understand about the cutting… the last time I had was about a year ago and before that I hadn’t for …. 15 years?
Sorry to hear things are so bad with your sister’s boyfriend, remember in the end she might be stuck with him forever but you won’t! 🙂
I’d say I’d come put him in line for you but I’m such a wimp it’s not funny, I can’t even put together the words I want to tell my husband what I want.
It’s kind of cool that you’ve always wanted a post with your name in it… happy to oblige!:)
No, you don’t sound lame.
I would definitely say your heart is not destroyed, it’s a very big heart!
The world needs more people like you! 🙂
I have to go to bed… I have to get up early for work.
But I’ll check back here tmr. Night 🙂
ok night ya i am about to go to sleep to and i hope work is not bad.
sleep well
Thanks, you too. Hope I see you tomorrow. 🙂
you will
Hey amber your such a nice beautiful girl your mum would be heaps proud of you 🙂 and journey sorry to hear that stuff happened to you 🙁 You sound like such a nice lady you kids are lucky to have you as their mother at least you’d understand that people have problems and im sure they’d be able to talk to you my mums cool and i love her but she doesnt get it at all 🙁