What you wrote brought tears to my eyes. You described your mom in such a way that I kind of feel like I know her. It’s obvious that despite going through what no little girl should ever go through she became an amazing person and a very kind and loving mom.
It was also very obvious that she loved you very,very much and you her. I think if she were able to she would come back here and hold you forever and never let you go.
That she would tell you, “I love you and, I am SO PROUD of you! Hang in there!”
I know it’s tough right now, that you miss her so much you feel like your heart is breaking in two, and you have to fight to get up every morning, and just to remember how to breathe each and every moment of the day. That you would give ANYTHING just to see her ONE more time, just ONE more hug and “I Love You, Polly Wog… you’re my Flower Fairy.” Remember her, and the love she had for you. That if there was ANYWAY for her to be here with you she would be. Think of how sad she would be if you left, she loved you SO much… fight for the life she would’ve wanted for you, for the life she would’ve given you if she could have. If you can’t keep going, keep fighting for yourself at this point then do it for her, fight your way through this and get to the other side. She would’ve wanted you to be happy, to laugh and enjoy life… she would’ve wanted to be here with you.
Since she can’t be, you need to keep up the fight for her. Hopefully, one day it won’t only be for her but for you too.
In a way you remind me of one of my kids and myself at the same time.
My youngest, my daughter, is your age. Finishing high school and trying to find her way in this cruel, cold world. At the same time you remind me of myself. My dad died 2 years ago and there are times all I can do is cry, “I love you, Daddy. I miss you so much!” My dad was the only one I could count on. My mom was the one that knew I had been molested and she did everything she could to keep me from saying anything and getting the man, who was a family friend and a preacher in her church, in trouble.
My dad didn’t find out until 10 years later and said it was probably a good thing he hadn’t known because he would’ve been in jail for killing the guy. My mom found out because the only person I had trusted enough to tell had told her. She made me feel that it was my fault and that it wasn’t a big deal and that I “shouldn’t make waves because not everyone in her church was like that.” So I didn’t tell anyone else, instead I tried to OD 3 times the summer after I found out she knew and started cutting, trying to break through the unreality and taking out my pain, rage and hopelessnes on myself… and get used to the idea of slitting my wrist. I was 13 at the time. I cut all the way through high school and even after I was married. In those 8 years I didn’t do a lot of cuts but most of them, except for the very early ones were bad enough they should’ve had stitches. Among them, I cut down to the nerve and tried to cut the nerve twice. I was trying to cut my hand off or die trying.Don’t try it, it feels like liquid fire. If I had I would’ve had constant pain.
I cut on the pulse points on both wrists and diagonally along both arteries, figuring that I would hit one and they wouldn’t be able to save me even if someone did find me before I died. I hated myself so much, I hated the person that the man had touched, had done those things to. I HAD to punish her, I HAD to make her pay. I wish I had told my dad, HE would’ve supported me. HE would’ve gone with me to the police station… HE did take me to counseling but he didn’t know why I was suicidal… no one knew why except my mom and all she wanted to do was to keep the scandal out of the church.
But my dad, he was my hero. I was Daddy’s Little Girl. I miss him so much!
I’m sorry to have gone on and on about myself, but I want you to know that even though I don’t know what it’s like to be you, I do have an idea of some of what you’re going through. I’m sorry so much of that last paragraph is so … rambling. I started to zone out and had a hard time putting my thoughts in order, not to mention this is the second time I’ve written this post. The first one I was doing on my phone and was much better but I hit a wrong button and lost it all, UGH! I need to set up a new email and facebook account so I can get back on Holly’s site without my husband being able to find out, when I do, if you want I’ll give you my email and facebook name.
Hang in there, Hon. Please? Don’t give up?
All my best…. Journey.