Sharing my journey

It’s been a long time since my last post.

I’ve been in a psychiatric hospital from mid December until mid February, being very depressed and suicidal. During that time my husband of 1 1/2 years decided to end the marriage, and withdrew all the promises he had made earlier about supporting me until I am back up on my feet. Talk about kicking someone when they are down. He then also refused to move out of our house, until a property settlement is reached, at his lawyers advice. When I came home from hospital his attitude was so hostile it became clear to me that I could not live with him under the same roof, so having no money to rent a place, I was forced to lodge with a friend in her spare bedroom, leaving my children (two teenage boys) to live with my husband, their step dad.

He works away at see, so when he left for work on Monday I was finally able to move back into my own home, with my own sons, at least for five weeks.

I’ve been through so much, and survived it all, and yet raised two great kids, but now I feel I have reached my limits. Over the past 1 1/2 years there have been only short patches of happiness, most of the time I have been deeply depressed. The previous trials and experiences of my life have left me with as many as five psychiatric disorders, for some of which I am taking medication, for some there is none. I have been getting treatment, spent altogether 4 months in a good private hospital, all sorts of medication, psychotherapy…it’s not helping, I feel I am broken beyond repair.

I have been trying to stay alive for my kids, they are my only reason to not kill myself, and I have lots of good friends who do their best to support me, but I’ve reached the point where I cannot go on. At the moment I have the vague plan to wait for another four weeks, the time I have before my husband comes back home from sea, the time I have before I have to move out and leave my children and my home again. Until then I will try once more to rebuild my life, I will make an honest effort, but if I still feel as broken and sad and hopeless as now, then I will use the last few days before he comes home to prepare everything, and on the day he comes home I will end my life. This way it won’t be a knee jerk reaction, it will be well thought out, rational, and in my opinion justified. I’ve suffered for so long, I’ve always been strong, now it’s too much.

I just wanted to share this here, and I will share my journey over the next four weeks, there is no other place to share these thoughts, if I tell this to my therapist or psychiatrist, they will have me committed to a closed facility. I know it will  be terrible for my children, but I just have not got it in me to fight on. This last blow, the huge betrayal of my husband, I did not just loose him, but he turned his whole family against me, and I thought they were my family too…I lost a whole extended family. I’ve lost too much, I am just an empty shell of who I used to be, filled with pain and hurt and regret.