I posted a few days ago. Thanks everyone for you comments.
I am doing a little better. Still not sleeping well.
I had been doing pretty well a few days ago. And I was feeling very positive. Its funny, on the outside I have many good things. However, when I talked about being chopped down i am referring to work. About 2 years ago, I was almost fired. I was having a lot of trouble concentrating and doing anything at work. I was on Paxil. It certainly took the depression away, but I also did not care much about anything including work. I have reduced the Paxil considerably but am now on Wellbutrin, Abilify, Adderal and Ativan. I feel like a walking pharmacy.
I thought I had things going pretty well at work, but once again I was hit with a big shock. A person who was in a position lower than me has now been promoted to be my boss. It really shows how poorly I am doing. This devastated me. I took 1 mg of Ativan to get through the rest of the day. But I really wanted to die. They had not announced it to everyone yet. I had to wait for that pleasure until the next day. That was on of the most humiliating experiences of my life.
Fortunately I had started a job search a few days before, but this has hurt my self-esteem so much, I am not sure how I am going to handle this during the interview process.
I am in my 40’s in middle management in the IT area. I feel like I am going through the classic mid-life crisis. Have I reached my highest level in my career. The way my current employer feels, I may have reached the highest point in my Career and am now on the backward slide.
I do talk to my wife about this stuff all the time. Some days she is a great supporter, other days she is the on putting the pressure on.
Due to my poor reviews at work, I have not received a raise in 2 years. We have had crazy amount of medical bills for our children. The insurance covers some. The pressure from her is to get a new job and make more money.
I feel like I have to go out and make more money, but I am not sure I can take the pressure of a higher level job. I have enough trouble in the job I am in.
I have told her this, but then she gets depressed. Yes she is on depression medication as well. I love my wife very much very much, but I am not sure I can take care of her in the way she needs. She might be better off with some one that can.
I have 4 beautiful children. They are so important to me. The only reason I work is to support them. I get very little pleasure in my job.
I know they say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but maybe I need a permanent solution. I have been on depression meds for 15 years. When the work I am a zombie, when they don’t I am suicidal. I have been on and off with therapists for 17 years. I have never found them to be helpful. I was depressed on and off for a long time before I ever sought therapy.
So my temporary problem has gone on for almost half my life. I really don’t want to kill myself, but I don’t really want to live anymore. I just don’t see how to find any pleasure in living.
I would guess my biggest problem is I want people to like me. Maybe this stems from going to 7 different schools in the first seven years of my life. I must have been constantly trying to make friends. I don’t remember that much about that time.
Anyway, just wanted to vent and explain. The pain is still here, but so am I.