I’m so discouraged. Â I cannot cope anymore. Â I’m just a total failure and nothing is going right. Â It would feel so good to just lie down and never have to get up again. Â Everything is just too hard anymore. Â It hasn’t got any easier. Â I keep going on, but I don’t know why. Â Happy never comes, easy never comes. Â Everyone says hang on, it gets better, it’s bad right now, just hold on. Â But why am I holding on? Â I don’t get happy. Â I’m just getting by. Â Barely. Â I’m taking anti-depressants, which seem to have taken away the lethargy and just lying around, but I’m still so unhappy and miserable, and struggling. Â What’s the point if it’s never going to get better?
15 comments
You have just summed up much of what I have at the moment, too. I feel stuck, I’ve tried suicide, and failed 4 times because for some reason I couldn’t. I don’t want to be here, but I still am, and I don’t know why. People tell me all the time too, “You’re going to be okay” “You’ll be fine in time” But that never comes. I had to be taken off anti-depressants because they did nothing for me. I feel lethargic all the time and just lie around all the time, I don’t eat and I guess somehow thats going to make death come to me, rather than me go to it. I feel like whats the point in almost every situation, too.
Sorry to say all this it’s just, I can relate to a lot of what you’ve just posted. I don’t know if what I’ve just said relates to you, but, it related to me.
The only reason I haven’t tried is that I have a dog and 2 cats that I do love very much and I don’t want to leave them behind. I can understand how those parents who kill themselves kill their children too. It’s too hard to stay, and it’s hard to think about them being left behind with no one. I’m afraid if I try to kill myself, it won’t work, and I’ll be worse off than I was before. But I feel like a coward that I can’t do it. I admire people who have the courage. And I feel so very very sorry for them too, because I know how much they must have been hurting to do that, because I’m hurting that much too. But I’m too much of a chicken to do something about it.
Dog’s 13 year’s what about cat’s?
I feel exactly the same. I don’t know why I couldn’t go through with it, and I want to so much but I’m scared and I feel guilty too. I often see myself doing it in my head, and see the peoples faces when they find out about me and it makes me feel so guilty. In some ways, I wish people would just stop caring for a while, to give me time to do it. I’m scared most of what’s next, what if I’m trapped inside my head for the rest of etenity, stuck with all the pain, all the thoughts.. But I’m scared of it going wrong too. I tried via cutting once, and was interrupted. Now I have a scar that reminds me how much of a failure I am, that I couldn’t even do it. I feel angry at myself that I can’t, that I’m not strong enough too, and I do have respect for people who do go through with it, even though I wouldn’t wish death on anyone. I wish that for them, they could find a way out other than this, even though its slightly hypocritical of me to say.
What you said about its too hard to stay, and its too hard to think about them being left behind. I think about that alot, it creates a grey area in which your stuck between life and death. I feel like I’m stuck in life even though I wish I wasn’t.
Now I’m in this odd place where I want to make you feel better, and convince you that it’s not a good idea, but I still want to do it myself. Which makes no sense at all. Why is it I can feel for someone else and see that they need to stay, but when it comes to myself I want to give up? I want to reach out and give you a hug and tell you not to and to look for some thing any little thing that might give you a bit of joy.
I have some friends that are into the spiritual stuff, and they believe that if you commit suicide, you immediately come back into a life that will make you keep going through this stuff so you can learn what you have to learn and grow with it. Some days that does give me pause. But I also think that I won’t know I’m coming back again, so at least I’ll be done with it as far as I know.
Solus45 Test for you you whant to take it not hard?
I blackqwert give you this test make to 26 then chose.
I know that exact feeling. I feel like death is a choice, and to me I’ve chosen that it’s what I want, I just wish I could go through with it. But even when others do the same as me and choose it, I still wish I could help, or that they could find a way other than this. I wish I could do the same for you too, or find something that would lift this from you and maybe bring you happiness.
Is there anything that makes you a little bit happy? What are you dealing with that’s weighing you down? I made a big move for a job and a boyfriend, and neither of those have worked out. The boyfriend is still here, but he’s a large part of what upsets me, and yet it seems too hard to break away. I’m trying to make a new business fly, and it’s not making it. And I’m left with the option of leaving here, and moving home to my parents. Which, at my age, feels like the ultimate in failure. I want to go home to look after my parents, but not because I’m such a huge loser I can’t look after myself.
I don’t know what to believe alot of the time. I’ve always been an atheist myself and not believed in anything but I just don’t know what to believe anymore. If all the heaven/hell stuff is real, I wouldn’t care that I would go to hell for commiting suicide as I feel its what I deserve.. But I have thought about the whole idea of reincarnation too, but that sends me spiralling, I can’t comprehend it because I think that if I was born into another life I’d not remember this one, so I’d not know what its like to be reincarnated, and therefore this part of me would be dead anyway.
Nope, nothing makes me happy anymore. My story, some may find pathetic or stupid, but it’s here http://suicideproject.org/2011/04/30107/#comment-75242
I live with my parents, and the way I am is destroying them, and it upsets me alot.. they just feel so helpless but I can’t do anything about it, nothing will help me. I can’t even remember what being happy feels like anymore.
I read your post. And I remember how awful a love breakup feels. I also recognize some of the lethargy and tired symptoms you describe as the bottom of my bad spells. I’ve been on Celexa for years, but haven’t been coping well for quite a while, and a friend convinced me to go back to the dr. I’ve added Wellbutrin to the Celexa, and it did make a difference. Have you tried a different doctor, or gone back to the same one and asked for something else? I’ve been in this place before and it’s really hard to advocate for yourself, you just want to roll with whatever happens and not fight. Can you find the energy to call for help? Or if you call a local suicide hotline, they can hook you up with someone to help you immediately. The fact that you’ve made several attempts should put you at the front of the line.
I don’t think you go to hell if you commit suicide. The daughter of a friend committed suicide, and the horrible reaction of the people in her church made her leave that church, and pretty much all religion. You’re in hell right now, and I don’t think anything can feel worse than the way you’re feeling now.
I’m on the waiting list for a specialist doctor at the counselling service I go to.. a long wait though. They don’t know that I’ve made any attempts, I’ve only told 1 friend from real life, and posted it on here. I can’t tell me counsellor because if I do they’ll put me away and force me to live.. then I’ll feel even more trapped.
As for calling, I find it hard with human contact. My friends text me and I just can’t reply, I don’t have a clue what to say to anyone anymore. It makes me feel anxious whenever I hear the door go, or if I walk near someone in the car park when I go to counselling. But I have called the samaratins, twice. The first time they stayed on the phone til the battery died, I felt so drained at the end I just took a sleeping pill and waited to fall asleep. I called again, yesterday morning as I was feeling so low.. I had a knife held to my throat and the guy at the end of the phone just said “Your mum’s coming home soon, just wait for that and then see how it goes, call back if you need to. Bye-bye.” And hung up the phone.
I just don’t know. I don’t believe it’s selfish or a sin.. more of a life choice. But I agree, this is hell right now, I just wish I could have the energy or get past whatevers stopping me so I could end it.
I understand about human contact. It’s just too much work and too hard and they expect too much. And some of them won’t get it and some of them will. And I’m shocked that the Samaritans were so unhelpful. I’m in North America, so I’ve only heard about them, but what I’ve heard was really wonderful. But they are volunteers, aren’t they? So there are certainly going to be some duds in there.
And sleep is a wonderful thing. It’s all I want to do when I’m like this.
Please, please, please tell your counsellor, right away. I’m no good at the time changes, so do it as soon as you can on Monday, or whatever opening time is at the next business day. I know that a feeling dr will be able to do things for you that will help in the immediate, really. I know it’s hard and scary to tell them about the attempts, but you can’t get the help you so desperately need without sharing everything. I know here there’s a really long waiting list for counselling and help for problems, but if you are feeling so bad you’ve made several attempts, they’ll move you to the front of the line. And if they want to hospitalize you (I’m not going to try to find a term to hide that), do it. It’s wonderful to be able to leave everything behind, and go where people will look after you, without all the guilt that comes with family doing it. You won’t be trapped there. While I feel so awful I want to end it, I think I probably also don’t really want to, I’ve just bottomed out again. This is the first time I’ve ever really reached out when feeling this bad.
Yeah, a lot of the time I get asked general questions and I just answer with I dont know, because I just have so much in my head can’t process anything else. Yeah me too, but I guess that as a volunteer they can’t always feel entitled to stay on the line.
Yeah, I want to sleep a lot of the time too. If I could I’d be taken another sleeping pill every time I woke up just so I could go back to it, but my parents only give me one a night and keep the packet hidden..
I just can’t tell me counsellor about it, I’m seeing her tomorrow/today (its 4am here) but I just can’t. I’ve thought about it and I just can’t get the words up. They said that if they ever thought I was such a danger they’d have to contact my parents and other people.. so I just can’t. They’ll force me to eat there, too. And not eating is the only way I can make death come to me, rather than me go to it.
I think sometimes, I never really wanted it to come to this.. well, thats what I thought in the beggining, but it had to. And now I’ve accepted it and want it to happen, really.
Yeah, I haven’t sought much anywhere since all of this.. but finding out about the new boyfriend it’s just destroyed me completely, I’m not reaching out for help but perhaps leaving my legacy or something behind, even if its just for a few online.. I don’t know exactly what made me come here, or ring the samaratins or call my friend.. it all comes down to the same feeling of I wish I could just end it all.
I’ve taken a sleeping pill now.. So if I don’t reply then I’ve fallen asleep but since I find it harder to sleep if I’m trying, I’ll be replying up until I do.