I feel so guilty. There are so many people who have it way worse than I do. Who am I to complain when others are so trapped that they actually follow through and shoot themselves in the head? I know that everyone has problems, but some are worse than others, right? I hate my life, but I’m too afraid to actually kill myself. If I really did have a bad life, then I would have killed myself too. So maybe I don’t even deserve to be on here. I’m just a fake who wants people to feel bad for her. I’m just a useless, lazy, pitiful, needy, and selfish human being who doesn’t even have the decency to be stronger than this. And to think, today was a good day.
2 comments
Hi Pheciles — interesting name!
I wanted to let you know that I know a little bit how you feel, ’cause I also hate my life, but I’m too afraid to kill myself. I’ve had suicidal thoughts for a long time and I think about it constantly. In fact, my main source of consolation is the thought of suicide. There are times when I’ll put an empty gun to my head and pull the trigger. Other times I’ll put my head in a plastic bag and breathe for awhile. Other times I’ll run a tube from my exhaust pipe into my car and sit there for awhile, with the engine running. But in the end, I’m too afraid to go all the way.
Perhaps it’s not so much that I’m afraid, but perhaps that I’m too optimistic to follow through. Even on seriously bad days I still feel that it’s better to be alive than to be dead. Plus, I know how devastated my family and friends would be, if I were to kill myself. I think if I were more alone in the world it would be easier to let go of life, but I’m not, so I keep hanging on.
Well, here’s hoping that you have more good days than bad and that every day you find at least one small thing that brings you even the tiniest bit of pleasure — music, an interesting book, a good movie, a bowl of ice cream, or whatever….
Life can really suck, but I’m not yet fully convinced that suicide is the way to go. So even though I’d love to not have to face the daily struggle, that’s the lot I’ve been dealt; so, I guess I’ll just continue to deal with it the best I know how. And talking about “dealing” with it, I just bought a box of Blackberry Sorbet yesterday, so I guess I’ll make that my little bit of pleasure for the day!
As far as you feeling useless, lazy, pitiful, needy, and selfish, there’s times when I can also identify with that. And even though I give myself permission to drown myself in feelings of misery, I also know that I can have at least some mastery over my feelings. So when I start feeling like a load of crap, I simply start doing something — it doesn’t matter what, just something! And pretty soon those feelings begin to abate. They always come back, of course, but at least I can make them go away for a little bit.
So I’m not here to give you a bunch of advice, but simply to let you know that I also struggle seriously, every day of my life. And so I thought you might find a least a little bit of comfort in the fact that you’re definitely not alone in feeling like you do.
Dave
your are stronger then you think but mayb u just need someone to tlk 2