So I’m new here. Finally got the courage to actually post something. I go to a Catholic school. I have a loving family. I have good friends. I am good at the piano, basketball, and track. I am smart. I am what you call the “good, perfect girl”. I believe in God. I want to kill myself. I have those feelings that everyone else here has. The alone feeling, the pain, the regret, the guilt. I am only 14. But ” have been thinking this way and wanting this since the 7th grade. I have chosen my death date. I just don’t know if I will go through with it.
I smile. I laugh. I hang out. I try to be happy. But I am not. I bottle everything up. I do not express my feelings. I do not let anyone except one person know the truth. That one person I confide in. Yes, the know. Of course they did the “Oh don’t do it. It’s not the answer.” But they’ve hurt me too. I don’t tell them though. I simply promise i won’t do it and stopped talking about it now. That promise will be broken next year. I cannot tell that one person anything anymore. And it hurts me. I am alone. But there are friends and family by my side. Well honey, you don’t have to be alone to feel alone. I am alone. I want to scream and yell and run away. But I can. I am put on a pedal, as the goody two shoes girl. As the super smart good. As the one that never does anything wrong. Can they see my suffering? And my pain? I get so mad so quickly at everyone now. I do not want to be here sometimes. I think about suicide every single day. Every single minute. Will they miss me? I am so selfish. I have everything I need and I want to give it away? How selfish. How conceited. People in other places have it way worse than me. I know that. I know some people are hurting worse. Are starving. Are dying. I hate myself. This only adds to my depression. i cry every night. It hurts more than any cut. I am sad. I am so sad.
What kind of daughter am I? My parents have worked sooo hard. And they still are. Immigrating here from a place that was perscuting them. Here on their own they have made it. They have gone through so much suffering and pain. Having no one when they came to America alone. They didn’t even know each other. But they made it. All on themselves and believing in God. Praying to Jesus. He has made it happen. I don’t want to add to that pain. It hurts me. But I know it will kill them.
Part of me wants to leave this place so badly. To just give in and give up. But I know i cannot. It is a moral sin. I will not sin against my God. He died for me and i shall live for him. But that doesn’t mean its easy. Its so so very hard. Everyday waking up and not wanting to be here. I am afraid of death. I am afraid of the pain i will give to my love ones if i do indeed die.
I just want to be happy.
4 comments
I think about how my suicide would kill my family too. I want to leave so bad and yet i can’t. I also think about it every moment of every day. : ( All i want is to be happy too, but i feel like that will never happen so once i get to college (im a freshman in highschool) ,away from my family, hopfuly i will be able to kill myself.
People also see me as the “good, perfect girlâ€. well i guess that’s my fault because i try very hard to be.
My friend Alex started talking to me about everything that was going on in her life, just because I had absolutely nothing to do with any of it. I had never hurt her, we had never spoken before, and now I know everything about her.
Maybe, if you need to talk, you can find someone you’ve never spoken to before. I can offer myself, because it’s often easier to talk online than in person.
I’m not going to try to talk you out of killing yourself, I just want you to know that you’re not alone.
Nobody is.
Tell that person that they’ve hurt you, and don’t stop talking about suicide. If that person is not supportive, find someone who is. My friend never talked about it, but I wish she had. Give someone a chance to help you.