I wish someone would notice me.

Your family is not a grim look into your future. Just because your mother and grandmother are horrid people does not mean that you will be too. It may actually work in reverse. Seeing them behave badly and then seeing that potential in your self may force you to be aware of your actions more then most and that awareness may help you to be a better person then you would be otherwise.

I grew up with a mother who was, and still a mean, hateful, vindictive woman. She, like her mother was before, got her sense of satisfaction from making other feel worse then she did, only stopping when she was physically threatened and believed her life was endangered or her target was so despondent that they could no longer function. My father is and was an abusive man who would allow him self to be tormented by my mother untill he could no longer bottle up his rage and would try to kill her or my self in retaliation. As I live my life day to day I see similarities to them in me, both positive and negative things but I am not like them because I choose not to be.

Frequently I will see in hindsight times when I was mean to unreasonable levels for irrational reasons and I hate my self for them, for failing to not be a better person in those instances, but I also have discover that though I am unable to tolerate these moments in my self, others tolerate them quite well and in fact do not judge me as harshly as I do my self. Many times if I sit and logically compare my self to others I find that I am far better then I realize or feel I have been, it just doesn’t feel that way. Use this fear of becoming like them to avoid becoming like them. Use this knowledge that at times you will fail and not be able to forgive your self for doing so to keep trying so you don’t keep failing in quite the same way again.

As for your boyfriend it’s to grey an aria to say what’s going on there. With out examples and facts I can not make any valid observations just pass on a few common since things you may already have known but not come to feel quite yet.

Your depressed, your troubled and no matter how much they may intellectually understand this or even have sympathy for us our loved ones very rarely actually understand what we are going through and even more rarely do they know how to deal with it. Many times they say they do, and most of the time the actually believe that they do as well and no matter how much they want to be able to understand and cope with us, the truth is they usually can’t. It’s not there fault, it’s not our fault. It’s just the way things are. So maybe he’s getting mad is because he’s overwhelmed. It’s a two way street of course. No matter how much we may think we understand what others are going through frequently we don’t. Sometimes we don’t even see that they are going through any thing at all, so maybe he’s getting mad not cause of any thing to do with you at all, perhaps he just has his own shit to work through.

I used to get good grades when I was in school too, having now graduated I look back and see why I did despite not seeing the point. I wanted people to tell me I was doing a good job. I wanted tangible proof that I could point to and say “look, I’m worth while please validate me” but that never came. There was always something else I should have done better. I still wish some one would say to me good job and mean it but I know it’s not going to happen and if it did at this point I’m so jaded it probably wouldn’t make much of a difference but I can say at least this; I did a good job in school and even though it may not have got recognition I know that I did a good job and if nothing else i know I was not a failure in my classes.

Feeling fat an ugly. I feel that way always. I have no insight there other then if you search google images for fat and ugly you’ll probably find people far worse then you and can at least say “I could probably look worse”

As far as no one caring about your suicide attempts that’s probably not true. It can be a hard thing to accept some times but the sad fact is most people are painfully stupid and they will believe a lie and disbelieve the truth most of the time. It’s a heartless way to think about it but keep this in mind: if they actually thought you were a suicide risk and ignored it and you hurt yourself or killed your self they would be in trouble for negligence so if for no other reason then they want to cover there own ass they would care.

Your not allowed to visit friends or travel on your bike now, but that’s just now. Some day soon no one will be able to stop you because you’ll old enough to not have to listen to those who would stop you. My guess is that “soon” sounds like a load and that even if it doesn’t “soon”is not soon enough. Sorry i can’t do better then that but hey, you said your not allowed to visit friends which means you have at least one friend to visit. That’s more then slot of people will ever have.

Connecting with people in any meaningful way is rare and the times that it will happen are few and far between and frequently fleeting but it will happen. If nothing else people have noticed you here and maybe that will count for at least a little something.

Hope things look up for you. You wont be there forever.