I planned on killing myself on April 19th. Was set to it. I had a 99% full-proof method. It was a multi-step suicide. One part of it, required a big rig truck to crash into me. A major part. Someone criticized and told me that if I did that, I would ruin the life of the driver. Why should I care? When the world has been cruel to me? Why should I care, when no one truly cared about me? And, I can write it down so that he/she knows that I killed myself. Yet… it was still argued by someone that it might depressed that person or cause him/her trauma. Why the hell should I care!? …. yet… I do. So… I tried to take that part of out.
On April 19th… I tried to go with it. And… there were always cars there… I waited and there were still cars there after awhile. I checked again later on and then the day after on the 20th… there were still lots of cars there. That was to be expected, since the bridge was position in the freeway. It was supposed to be that way… and work out so great. But I kept worrying about what the driver might feel… so.. my method… went to ruin. I hate myself. A month of planning and a month of looking forward to it, ruined. Idk what to do now. I can just ignore how the driver would feel and finally be able to accomplish what I want, or find another method. I couldn’t find another method…. I failed before I could even start…. I’m such a failure…. I hate myself… so much…
I want someone’s opinion… would the driver’s life really be ruined….? Or will that person be ok eventually? I don’t wanna ruin someone’s life like how everyone has ruined mine’s… then… I’ll be no better than they are… I wanna know soon… so I can actually try this..
16 comments
The driver would care very much. They would probaly blame hemselves for years to come. You need to stop and put everyhting in perspective. Besides the driver who else would be upset if you did it. What about friends or family?
If you say they aren’t in the picture then imagine the people in the future who would’ve met you. You’re taking a chance away from them too, a chance they never knew they had v.v Please think about it. Yes the world sucks and I hate people as much as the next person. But I know that there still some decent human beings, you being one of them, who deserve a chance. There are still some people who are stuck in your situation. A nice person surrounded by assholes. Find the nice people, they exist.
Sorry for the spelling errors.
Well if the driver is a stereotypical hardcore trucker who has scratched many deers off his truck in his career, then he’ll get over it. But he’s more likely to be traumatized. Just imagine what you look like from his perspective, all smeared over his windshield.
I considered trains. But the argument that convinced me not to do it, is that he may end up traumatized and maybe even suicidal, and standing right where you are now.
Once you’re dead, you won’t care anymore. But if it’s worth that, is solely in your discretion, I’m afraid.
But you’re not a failure! You backed out because you cared for the wealth of another human being. A very valuable and unselfish attitude.
That’s just my stance. I hope you find a way that is in accordance with your conscience.
Maybe jumping off the bridge? Or maybe a driverless metro? Jump out of a building.
@razor wire: I didn’t think of how the driver would feel before. I thought that just me leaving a note and everything would let him/her know enough. No, I see myself as a failure for being unable to do the method. I planned a whole month for it. I said all that was needed to say, and yet I’m still alive now. I really am a failure by all means. But thanks for letting me know what you think. I had to make sure if that driver will be traumatized or not. If not I will try it again.
@LifeThroughDeath: the bridge, it’s part of the method. That’s where the bridge is. It’s part of my multi-step suicide. It’s what makes me believe that it’s 99% successful. Really painful, but the pain would only last about 5 minutes.
You were “unable to do the method” because you “kept worrying about what the driver might feel”. So I conclude, you’re a good person. We need more people like you I think. That’s just the thing with plans. No matter how carefully we plan, in the last minute there occurs something we never expected. Irony of fate. It’s annoying. But it doesn’t make you a failure. A failure would be … in my eyes … someone standing on an abandoned track waiting for a train.
Though I can imagine that being alive after your chosen date of death is somewhat awkward. Well you can still try it again. Can you afford leaving the truck stuff away?
@razor wire: The place where I was gonna get hit, was also near train tracks, though the train there goes pretty slow. And I tried to take that part out and include only the other steps, but it didn’t work out so well. I tried to wait until there were no cars, but there weren’t. It was on the 19th, I looked on the 20th again too. So idk. If I can’t jump from there, that would take away another step of my multi-step suicide plan. That only means that my survival chance will increase… and I don’t want that. I don’t wanna fail and then be worse off than I already am. So I’m trying to know if the driver really will be traumatized or not… so I can try that with the truck hitting me included.
I’m considering getting hit by a van/truck too. On the bright side at least they’ll think it was a suicide and accidents happen all the time. It’s not like they were planning on murdering someone. I dnno.. I’m not sure the cars are going fast enough where I am. I still need to look around.
Weren’t you gonna do it with helium?
It isn’t easy to get killed by a car or truck. But it’s really easy to get crippled for the rest of your life that way. And I think you should ask yourself…how would you feel if you hit and killed someone? Doesn’t matter what YOUR thinking is on that…the driver will be screwed up for the rest of their life and I give it a 50/50 chance they decide they can’t live with knowing they killed someone.
Lets face it, there is no easy way out and ANY method may leave you permanently damaged…which in turn will make it even harder for you to find good things in life.
I think you (both) are spending too much time beating up on yourself and looking for reasons to give up? It’s always easier to quit most anything than it is to put in the effort needed to accomplish something. Right?
Instead of dwelling on the ‘bad’ things or finding reasons to ‘hate’ yourself…why don’t you get stubborn and decide to put up a fight against the obstacles? Keep your mind busy (books, video games, a long drive etc) and do the things that you know will make you smile? I find helping a little old lady at the grocery store seems to give me a smile and a reason to believe maybe I’m not a useless bag of skin after all?
I eventually learned that my expectations were probably too high. I wanted it all…and felt like a failure because I didn’t have that. But over time I realized that just making others smile and trying to improve me and my life, if only a little, was a good thing, and this eventually lead me to nice people and quit a bit of happiness.
The way I see it…I can always die. But I only have a short period to live before I have to die any way. So I try to ignore the bad things and see what I can do to create a few good things, and I guess that keeps me going. Most of us are our own worst enemies. I found that if I spent all my time criticizing me…then all I could do was be depressed and suicidal. I finally reached a point where I learned to stop thinking this way by keeping the mind busy…and that helped me out of my rut better than any words anyone ever spoke. Might work for you too? I hope you keep trying…you’ll have eternity to be dead so you may as well put in the effort needed to create some happiness during the short time you have here? 🙂
In my opinion, the driver would be affected in some way although it was a suicide. Why would a witness who saw someone die (no matter it was an accident or a suicide or murder) be asked to see a psychiatrist for a psychological evaluation then? I want to kill myself as well, but I can’t bring myself to do it in this way. It would be too brutal for that person. There are other ways to die. Fast and almost painless. I’m not encouraging you to kill yourself, but if you really want to do it, you can choose another way.
Honestly why do you care abt the driver?? my opinion of humans is awfull…this world is dispicable…its other ppls fault why you are the way you are…blame the fuckin ppl around…honestly if someone loved you and gave you everything you wanted fulfille all your wishes you wouldnt be like this…idc what happens to anyone when i die…i wanna die right now…but the only thing is idk how…i wanna do it without ppl knowing..i wanna disappear from this trashy world without being looked for…i do not care abt others pain…if it wasnt their fault you n i and all these ppl here wouldnt be like this…thats what i say…if you’ve given up on everthing…then give up on other ppl too..what have they done for you?? they caused you nutin but pain…
Here’s some questions. What about the person who hits a pedestrian by accident because he’s not paying attention? I’m sure he feels bad and has regrets, but it was partially his fault for not paying attention.
Then what about the people who get hit because they step out in front of a car before the car can stop and get hit when not meaning to? I’m sure the driver feels bad but they realize it wasn’t their fault. The pedestrian moved too quickly and they couldn’t avoid them.
My point is people get hit everyday by accident. Many people can move on from it. If the driver realized he wouldn’t have been able to avoid the person in time and he wasn’t at fault I’m sure the pain would be less. Life is all about what ifs. It’s the fuel of regret. We all live with it and regret things. Regret is inescapable.
Hey Hon… I’m sorry if you felt I was being critcal, I worry about you and would never do anything intentially to hurt you. I’m sorry if what I told you caused you more pain. You remind me so much of my son and I can’t bear to think of anything happening to you.
At the same time I know what a kind caring person you are and that you would never hurt someone else… which is what would happen to the person if they hit you when you jumped.
I have 2 really good friends who are truckers… neither one of them would be okay if something like that happened when they were driving. Not only would they suffer but their families would when they were unable to work or even live with themselves after hitting you.
I know I can’t MAKE you stay…. but PLEASE, PLEASE DON’T GO!
IAM WITH YOU BRUH THE WORLD IS AWASOME BUT PEOPLE HUMANS THAT HAVE POWER MAKE IT SO HARD FOR US PEOPLE THEYAKE IT A BITSH
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