Stand Alone

We only have one really tall building in my town, it was just built so they kind of put a lot of pride into that stupid Bank of America building. I mean, who really needs a 32 floored building just for bankers and their offices?

I am sort-of glad they’ve built this. Before we had this building there was nowhere for me to jump off of, or even ponder jumping off of. Believe it or not, the times when I’m thinking about committing suicide is when my mind is most clear, when it’s not just the thought of cutting myself or burning myself or something minimal, but full life-taking thoughts, that’s the only time my head is really empty of the voices and the people.

I was standing on the roof the other day, just staring out at the small little town. I felt enormous, like I was God looking down on an anthill. It felt so good to stand on the ledge of that building and just watch the cars rushing by to get work or to get home. Most of the time, the chances and the urges to commit suicide are in my control, the only thing in my life that I can control is when I die. I used to think that was a decision God made, but I much rather prefer to play god.

There was a song playing in my head while I was standing there, my arms outstretched in the wind, my body daring me to just lean a little more forward. “I’ll stand by you, won’t let nobody hurt you”. That song kept playing over and over in my head. It is supposed to be about God, how he will always be there and he’s not going to let anybody hurt us, but that’s not true. It has never been true nor will it ever be true. If the artist who wrote that thinks we can abolish suicides  just by telling people that God will make everything better, then he’s got  another thing coming.

The hard truth is God (if he is in fact real) is not going to make things better. He’s not going to suddenly stop letting tsunami’s happen or earthquakes or murders or rapes. He’s not going to let the earth be at peace…EVER. It’s the same with people, with me, God isn’t going to make them better.  Maybe the voices will never stop, maybe I will just keep having hallucinations and nightmares for the rest of my life, but what if…what if I have the power to CHANGE things. It’s just a possibility, and a huge maybe, but there is a chance that I can be the one to make my life better, go to therapy, try an antidepressant, make some friends who aren’t stuck between the pages in my books,perhaps try and date someone nice, caring. I could do that, it’s what the future could hold someday for me, and there’s lots more possiblities. But then again…I could jump off this building right now and never look back. Leave the voices, the pain, the guilt, leave it all behind and just plunge into the great unknown. Living, dying, all blind to me. So…Do I fall, or do I take a step from the ledge? I really do wish God had all the answers, but he doesn’t.

It’s time to stand alone…