I’m only a teenager and I already hate my life.
I honestly believe everyone was born for a reason, and should stay alive for a reason. Not because of religious views, but because I saved my best friend from suicide 2 years ago, I think that’s why I was born. Although I’m not going to say I want to be alive. I’ve attempted suicide multiple times in the past, and honestly my view on it has changed, but there are times when something happens and those feelings come back. I personally hate myself, I know this isn’t the first time you’ve all heard that, but it’s 100% true for me. I’ve been abused by my family, my dad left before I was born, and I’ve lost 3 best friends to suicide and one to a car crash where he suffered for 2 hours before the police came. I know, it’s not my fault, but I think that’s bs. I couldn’t stop them, nor did I go out of my way to show I cared about them, and I regret it. So very much. I wish I could go back and hug them and say I love them and care about them. But it’s too late now, and it’s my fault. I used to think people had to have reasons to die, but now I see emotions get to people. I feel like I need to save everyone, I need to go out of my way to show I care, and save them all. I just don’t know how. I know where they come from, so I can understand, but it’s not enough. Especially when I’m so beyond lost, and I’ve lost hope of being found. I have panic attacks, where I shake so badly that I can’t hold my phone, I can’t control it. Whenever someone mentions suicide, or that they were thinking about it, it happens. And then depression hits, and I go back to the moment before I over dosed the first time. Thinking no one cares, no one would miss me, and I’m just sick of it all. Lately it’s been happening often. I’m afraid to go over the edge, not because I’m afraid of dying, but because I don’t want to hurt anyone. I doubt I would, but after losing so many people to suicide, I don’t want people going through that hurt over me. I’m not worth it. Honestly, no one cares so I’m not sure why I’m worried about that. But I feel like I hurt people more every day that I’m here. Maybe I should just leave this state and people here could then be truly happy. Right now, I just feel like crying, in a dark room, and not waking up. Maybe I’d regret it after, but I don’t know. I’m just so lost, and I’ve been crying out to be found, but now I’m so far gone, even superman couldn’t ever hear my cries. So what’s the point? Someone tell me before I hit rock bottom again. I’m already off the edge and falling. I’m just trying to catch myself, but I’m too busy catching everyone else.
7 comments
I’m going to read your post later tonight, but immediately I’ll tell you I’ve saved a friend from suicide and another from overdosing on drugs, twice. You’re a teenager. At least give yourself the chance to become an adult and have the power to enact change in your life. Spend this time educating yourself and planning how to realize any goals you have.
I hear your cries, and I want you to live. My only child, my teenage daughter killed herself several months ago, and devastated a community. Her self-inflicted death nearly destroyed me too. Please get the help you deserve, build a supportive network of loving others, and join us all to help make this a more loving world for all. We need your light. We need you here.
“It’s a Wonderful Life” is my favorite movie because, sappy though it is, it reminds me that everyone’s life touches so many others in ways we never fully understand. We all have doubts and regrets, but all we can control is what we do today. You can’t bring back your friends, so reach out to someone else. It doesn’t have to be the whole world. There are others, probably dozens in your school, who don’t think they matter either. Prove one of them wrong by showing him or her that you care. It doesn’t take much. A friendly smile and “Hi” as you pass in the hallway could start a life long friendship. Going to sit with someone who is all alone, even if you don’t say a single word, can ease the loneliness and isolation. In showing others you care about them, you will eventually find that they care about you in return. And when that happens, you will have confirmation of what you already seem to believe but have started to doubt – that your life has meaning and purpose.
I come to this site very rarely – usually to see how a friend of mine is doing – but your words touched me. They show so much compassion, and the world truly needs that right now. I’m not Superman, but I heard you. You matter. You have a purpose. You are not invisible. And most importantly, you are not alone if you choose not to be. I hope you hear my words as well as I heard your’s.
I’m not sure what else to say. I understand your feelings of not wanting to hurt others through taking your life; I have such feelings too, but my outlook is more negative. Do not feel your depression or feelings are unwarranted; you have the right to feel any way you wish. The problem is (I would imagine) you don’t want to feel depressed, or that you don’t matter. You certainly matter. Everyone matters, and everyone has talent to share and make others’ lives better. Find what you’re good at, what you enjoy doing, and do exactly that. By sharing the best part of yourself, you are doing plenty to make your life worthwhile.
lisarich- I’m sorry about your daughter, and I understand that people are devasted with that kind of an event, but honestly I feel like maybe one person would care, if that.
HisChild- I’m glad that you read this, and I understand I’m not the only one who feels like this, but it just causes so many issues because i don’t have time to worry about myself. I don’t hate that I’m compassionate, I agree the world is lacking of that, but i feel like my issue is past compassion.
Graychameleon- Thanks for commenting, I’m sorry you have these feelings too. I wish I could make sure no one else had to go through feeling this way, which I guess is my issue in the end. I don’t really want to be depressed, but I’d rather be depressed than have others be depressed. Hence why I don’t show it (except rare times), I want to make a difference and cheer people up. I just feel like it isn’t enough.
Do you feel helping other people isn’t enough for them, or it isn’t enough for you? (I’m just looking for clarification on your wording; it may offer a clue to what you can do to help yourself)
My wording for that was weird, sorry haha. But I feel like helping them isn’t enough for them I guess, have you ever read Catcher In The Rye? If you have the main character says he feels like the catcher in the rye. Where he needs to save everyone. Well I feel like that. I mean I help people, but I feel like if I don’t save them, whether it’s my fault or not, that my help wasn’t enough for them. I guess I just wish I could do more, I feel like I don’t really make a difference to people or in people’s lives. Which is where my suicidalness comes into play, I feel like I cause a lot of people’s issues, whether that sounds stupid or not. And me giving advice or a hug isn’t enough to make up for it. I’m horrible at explaining my mind, so sorry if that made no sense.