Hi…
I’m new to this site. I guess the two main reasons that I joined are that I wanted to see what my morbidity looked like splashed across a computer screen and the other to read and share with others who obviously feel as hopeless and lost as I do.
I’m a 26 year old woman who has ‘suffered’ with borderline personality disorder, had the misfortune of  being both naturally sensitive and aggressive, been through a lot in general and dealt with rapid cycling manic depression for nearly 20 years. I don’t think I am a bad person – I am just very messed up. My heart is enormous and has so much love to give and I fight for everyone that I love, but this gets lost in the drama and sadness of day-to-day life. I guess if you’ve ever watched the films ‘Gia’ or ‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind’ the lead female characters are shockingly similar to my own fictional self. I can suck people into my world with the greatest of ease (normally by using my sexuality), but nobody ever sticks around.
So, I want to die. This feeling has come and gone throughout my life – usually during a depressive episode I will obsess over dying, go on medication then stop taking the pills as soon as a new man enters my life and then be thrown back into chaos once that ends. I can go from impulsively jumping on a plane, having a ‘cease the day’ attitude and disappearing for months to being at the end of my rope and despairing over every moment of my desperately sad and emotionally draining life.
However, this feels different…
Since July, 2010 I have been dealing with chronic suicidality (obviously some periods worse than others). I was put on Prozac, but I soon stopped taking it after seeing a shrink who had no interest in treating BPD and told me that if I really wanted to kill myself I would have done it by now. This continued until I met a man who has a girlfriend. We kissed etc. and this continued for a few months as being a rollercoaster of an experience. One minute he wanted me, next he decided he couldn’t do it. Each time he would have a moment of doubt, I would be thrown into the depths of despair. I consequently fell in love with this man. He recently ended it after being caught by his girlfriend and telling me he had too much to lose (he has a son with this woman). Ever since this happened, I have been contemplating suicide. I have the means to do it – lots of the RIGHT pills. The only thing that keeps me here is every time I see this man or hear from him I get butterflies.
Then I come crashing down to earth realising he doesn’t love me or want me. This has happened too many times in my life. The rejection and abandonment has become too much of a predictable thing. What I have realised is that I no longer expect anyone to put up with me and my unpredictable nature. If I was a friend/lover/relative and I had to put up with me I would run a mile too. How does one reconcile this fact with the desire to be loved and to give love? I feel like a monster. All I can see in my future is more of the same. People who are more balanced than I have it hard sometimes, so what hope do I have? I feel so much shame, guilt and disgust with myself. He told me he wants to be friends and I have tried to reach out to him to tell him that I am really low, but he doesn’t seem to want to talk about it and this hurts me more. I don’t have anyone to really talk to – I feel judged all the time. I have tried the doctors and even been to the ER when I have been on the edge but nobody wants to know unless you are licking the walls. So I have been paranoid over the past 24hrs that this guy is ignoring me. If I don’t hear from him by the end of the day I am going to take these pills and end this party.
7 comments
It is a pity a man such as him will cost your life.
I really cannot help you but tell you the usual bull shit “life will get better”. At this point you’re probably tired of hearing it.
All I can do is listen, understand and support you. I wish you wouldn’t do this because of this man, but if you’re pain is too much to bare I’ll hold your hand until the last second.
1) “and told me that if I really wanted to kill myself I would have done it by now”. This shrink was an incompetent fool. Do not see him ever again. What an outrageous thing for him to have said to you. Anyone worth his salt in the profession knows that that is absolutely false! Hell, I know this and I’m certainly no shrink (a lifelong patient actually). Many people BUILD UP to killing themselves. I know firsthand (my father).
2) Do not see or talk to that guy again (the man w/ the girlfriend). Anyone attracted to you in the state you are in is a mess themself and is bad for you. Healthy people do not get seduced by people like yourself. That’s not a criticism of you – just a cold, hard reality. Sick people do not attract healthy people. Healthy people know to stay away from people and situations that are potentially harmful.
3) Your problem has nothing to do with the guy. Not this one, not the others. You know this! The problem is you – not them. You need help. You need to speak to a GOOD shrink and through a combination of meds and talk therapy, get yourself to a better place than you’re in now. It’s possible. What do you choose?
“I can suck people into my world with the greatest of ease” I believe you that just by reading your post. funny.
However, I can imagine it’s quite a challenge for your partner to live with your BPD (as it is for you apparently). But there certainly are guys that are eager to take it.
As for this last one, I also suggest you let go of him. He has chosen his family and you can’t really blame him for that. Dating someone who already has a girlfriend is always dangerous.
In my opinion, you should first find another shrink, because that one you mentioned is obviously a jerk. Probably bought his license on eBay.
@svg1234
Your number 2) kinda bugs me, cause I think you’re right.
Thanks @ razor wire, svg1234 and LifeThroughDeath for your thoughtful replies.
@LifeThroughDeath – I don’t think my wanting to die should be blamed solely on this man. My experience with him has just amplified all the previous experiences I have had. Being treated like my feelings really don’t matter and like a puppet. Used for sex then left to rot in some dark alleyway.
I have heard the life will get better line a few times in my life. There comes a time when the sun does come out but it doesn’t last very long and I back to where I started.
Thank you for showing your support to me. I hope that we can support each other.
@svg1234 – Yes, the problem IS with me. I know this… This is why I feel like I should do everyone a favour and destroy myself. I have tried a handful of different therapists and medications and because when I start to feel a little better I abandon it, I never solve anything long term. I also have a problem where if a therapist will say something that offends me in that moment I will never see them again. So, as you can imagine committing myself to therapy for a few years (which is what it will take) sounds amazing at first, but never lasts.
I agree, healthy people do not seek out people like me. I think my problem is that I want him to show me that he still CARES about me. He won’t even hug me anymore, he said that he can’t hug me even though he told me he would always be there to do that. I know this sounds terrible but it really upsets me. All I need is a hug right now and he is being so cold and cruel to me – just thinking about his own self-preservation.
@ razor wire – Yes, that is not a problem for me at all. I am a professional seductress, and this has been noted by everyone who has ever known me. There are men who will take on a woman with BPD, but as as the very sage svg1234 has pointed out they are not healthy. Normally those relationships are very destructive or I spend my time perpetually feeling guilty because the other person is so tolerant and I am such a train wreck. I had a relationship like that once; he tried his best to put up with me, but in the end he just stopped loving me and I think started to pity me. 🙁 Which broke my heart.
I don’t blame him for ending it. I just don’t get why people don’t stick to their promises. Why? Why do people say things so casually that mean a lot and then go back on what they have said? This hurts. I’ve had enough, my new friends. I literally feel like I should be put down. I feel defective and lost.
Because humans are not perfect…
All we can do is TRY to be one, everyday, strive to be the Better version of yourself.
Nobody is perfect,
so learn to forgive others,.and most importantly, Yourself.
The problem is, which version of myself do I choose?
Born, we ALL do it. Even people like us who feel so deeply and hurt so badly, we have hurt other people too (though not intentionally). it sucks. I know. But aside from some truly evil people, most of it is just the world doing its thing. It’s not personal. Not intentional. Humans are very imperfect ANIMALS. We just are what we are. Sometimes it’s horrible, but there it is.
I don’t know you and I’m only trying to help. I hope you understand that. Don’t want to come off being “preachy”. blech. The impression I have of you is that you are very aware of a lot of things. That’s a huge positive thing for you. You KNOW a lot of things and you KNOW a lot about yourself and how you operate. That’s very valuable (if you use it). You should not be “put down”. You don’t deserve that. You deserve to be happy. You deserve a good life. You cant’ change your past. All you can do is keep trying and eventually, hopefully, something will click.
You know, when I went to my first therapists at age 14 or so, it really didn’t help much. And a bunch of therapists after that – no big change. But I saw an amazing lady shrink when I was 33ish and for whatever reason, THAT was the time I turned my whole life around. So just because it didn’t stick or change me the other times (quite a few therapists), for some reason I had finally reached a stage where I was ready to make some serious changes. My life didn’t get magically better, and I still hurt a helluva lot, but it’s a lot better than it was before.
The same thing COULD happen with you. I have no idea, but maybe? Just because it hasn’t worked the way you want it to, you still have made progress whether you realize it or not. It’s a process. Maybe the next time will help more? Who knows? But you’ll never find out unless you stick around to see. Here’s my amateur analysis: You’re trying to replace the love you did not have (or lost) from one or both of your parents. But you’re looking to grab it from other people – when only YOU can give yourself that love you crave. Sorry, but that’s the truth. Your dependency on manipulating other people is more common than you might think. It’s a typical pattern. Your shrinks should know this and help you toward changing. You are not defective!!! You are operating in a very understandable way given what you have experienced in your life.
I’m very hopeful for you. You’re intelligent and aware. You have what you need to win these battles. 😉