I feel weird writing on this site, as many of you are not even 20 years old. Somehow, though, it seems the thing to do. Here goes nothing.
I am a 44 year old female. I have had issues with depression for as long as I can remember, passed on to me by my father’s side of the family. I am currently on no meds, although I have been on them in the past.
To make a long story short, I have lost a few jobs over the past ten years or so due to my “issues” and seeming immaturity and inability to control my anger. I now can’t seem to get hired anywhere. Seems it is possible to shoot yourself in the foot one too many times.
My lack of personality has made me a spinster with no children. My ability to earn a living was the only real life I had. The pain is ubearable at this point.
It seems death is a real option. It actually makes sense. And to those of you who are under thirty, I ask you to consider that time is truly on YOUR side. From a purely statistical standpoint, odds are things will get better for you. That’s not to belittle your pain. Believe me, there is nothing more soul crushing than sharing your pain with someone who then comes up with a worse hard luck story than yours and who tells you to pick yourself up and get over it.
I have thought of suicide often, but haven’t acted out on it because I find it morally reprehensible. Things are different now. I have never felt closer to death. Death has never felt warmer.
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7 comments
just hang in there it ganna be ok:D
Hey BA, there are a few of us who are also older than the average, so you’re not alone. I think the key is to accept that you’ll be alone. You may even start to prefer it.
As for the job problem, I hear ya. I’ve never been able to keep a regular 9-5. Instead I do contract work, internet based stuff, and my favorite… signing up with a temp agency. I actually like the idea of not getting rooted in any particular job. Maybe a temp agency would work for you too?
Death is a real option, as you say. But unlike other options, you can never turn back. Have you exhausted every possibility? Is there anything you haven’t tried, no matter how unrealistic it may be? Sail around the world, run off & join the circus, there has to be something you haven’t thought of.
@broken – stick around here. This site has helped me a lot, just in the week since I’ve found it. Read my original post “Today should have been the day”. post your rants, talk to a few of us here, what ever helps. Please stick around and use this site how ever you need to. The only reason I am still here is because of this place.
Once again, Scooby has keen insight. I too, prefer the temp jobs. Believe me, as one who is virtually unemployable anymore, I totally understand.
45 and understand
Thinking about suicide can be a solace, a place to go in your mind when the world becomes overwhelming. But few of us truly want to die. We just don’t want to live with the way things are. I hope you are getting help, first of all. There are new meds on the market, maybe ones that will help you this time. They won’t “cure” you, but they can help you over the rough patches. I think that thinking about suicide in that comforting way can be a good thing, but it can also become addictive, like a drug almost. I suffer from severe depression, so I know just where you are. But there are bad days and really bad days, so there is some relief on the merely “bad” days. Your life doesn’t have to be what it is now. There is no reason you cannot find a partner or a mate. You are still very young, anything can happen. You just need to have faith that things can get better. Keep hanging on to that faith, find some things to keep you busy, and hang in there. Sometimes where the body goes, the mind will follow. Have faith in life, have faith in things getting better. Have faith in yourself, friend.
Thank you for your responses. I am actually comforted, somewhat.
I’m just so damned tired.