Years ago when I was in school, we were asked what we’d like to be when we grow up. I responded with “Happyâ€. My teacher told me I didn’t understand the question, I told her she didn’t understand life.
10 years on, its turns out I’m the one who doesn’t understand life. You try to look for the positives, both in your own life and outside in the worlds of others, although this often has the opposite effect on overall happiness. It fills me with an intoxicating mixture of anger, guilt and resentment when I see other guys/girls my age in relationships, with friends, advertising parties and get-togethers on facebook, events you know you will never be a part of.
How long do you have to devoid yourself of social interaction before you lose it? For me, about 3 years.
I’m 21 now, and if past experience is anything to go by, then I don’t want to continue living for another 50 years. As Doug Stanhope said:
“Life is like a movie, if you’ve sat through more than half of it and its sucked every second so far, it probably isn’t gonna get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.â€
I no longer wish to be alone, angry, confused, bi-sexual, unsociable. I no longer want to be me.
Helium kit is ready in a gym bag containing everything I need. Overnight stay in a hotel is booked and paid for. Suicide notes are written. Bank accounts closed. As far as society is concerned, I am no longer a person.
I never understood the correlation between high intelligence, and suicide statistics, but its clear as day to me now. Perhaps if I didn’t analyse everything. Perhaps if I was one of those people who are happy to work 9-5, get home and watch Eastenders, never thinking existentially, never contemplating anything. Perhaps then, in ignorance of the world, I would be happy.
I guess I’ll never know.
Goodbye
9 comments
I am 22 male, bi-sexual, unsociable… you speak like our thoughts are the same. I hate looking at my facebook account because I know I can never be like my friends and other people with such colorful happy life. I also plan to die in a sealed room, but using a different kind of gas.
May I ask what made you decide that helium is the best among others?
Moe: After months researching the most effective, painless and cheap methods of suicide I settled on Helium. The most attractive part of this method is that it poses no threat to anyone apart from yourself. Helium oxidises instantly when exposed to the environment, thus posing no threat to whoever might find the body.
I see lots of threads/requests for H2S suicide and I’ve read enough police reports to know its not a pretty way to go, along with there being a massive margin for error.
Helium tricks the body into thinking its oxygen, therefore you will not struggle, throw up, the hypercapnic alarm response is not triggered, it takes about 10-20 seconds to lose consciousness and death sets in within 5 minutes.
There is a great deal of info online surrounding the Helium Hood method, its easy to construct using materials found in the home, and a helium tank can be bought from any high street party shop for around £30/$50 (pay cash so its less traceable).
Look for the book “Final Exit” by Derek Humphries I think, there are e-books online you can download for free. The book has a chapter which covers helium suicide at length, needless to say its well worth reading.
Moe, do not seal yourself in a room. Just you mentioning that lets me know the chemicals you plan to use will cause injury or death to anyone nearby, all it takes is for you to seal the room improperly.
I am willing to discuss this at greater length if you wish, you can contact me on muleoftheeast@hushmail.com or through commenting here. But don’t expect to get a response more than 2 days from now.
However, its reassuring to know there is someone else experiencing more or less the same things as me. Would be nice to chat, if you wanted to that is….
I already made signs and warnings to be placed at the door, I will leave the windows open in the hallway but keep my room sealed from the inside. Besides that, I will do it when I am completely alone for two days.
The thing that makes me question helium is because as you said it seems like “its not a pretty way to go” and as much as possible I just wanna sleep through the entire process of dying.
I plan to do it in a 15×10 inches room, with a 2 feet in diameter metal basin to be filled with the important things I need, while I am drugged.
Are you scared? Sometimes I am…. just the other day I was already sealing the ventilation windows with duct tape although I was calm that moment. When I was finally rehearsing the set-up of the room with the stuff I will use I kinda felt a bit nervous and excited at the same time.
H2S is not Helium. H2S is Hydrogen sulfide, which is what I assumed you were planning on using. All reports I’ve seen say that H2S is not a pretty way to go (as your lungs melt, body spasms etc). Sorry for the confusion, but no I mean helium is a very painless, easy way to go, whereas H2S and other toxic chemicals are usually quite painful.
Unless I made an incorrect assumption and you plan on using the BBQ method or some other.
Either way, I cannot emphasise enough that you shouldn’t use ANYTHING which might cause harm to others, be it family, paramedics/emergency service, whoever. No matter how careful you are, there is always a chance you could kill or injure someone else. Not to mention what your body will look like after using such a method (google this, and it should put you off). So yeh, Helium will just make you fall asleep and never wake up. Its the best way, hence why its practised by euthanasia physicians all over the world.
And scared, yes and no. The thought of death itself doesn’t as I’ve spent so long researching and considering it. The only thing that causes me discomfort is the idea of dying completely alone. But hey, what you gunna do? I don’t like the idea of asking someone to be my suicide partners for a lot of reasons.
But yeh, seriously Moe, I can’t stress enough about not using harmful chemicals. Have you sealed floorboards, the attick, windows? Its an awful lot of work where its easy to make a mistake which might kill someone other than yourself. Fair enough if you want to kill yourself, but don’t risk taking an innocent bystander with you. Change to helium, if you have an e-mail I am happy to send you all the information, e-books, websites etc etc I have used for my research which you might find useful, but to b honest a child could use the helium method its so easy, cheap and effective. Please consider.
x
maybe helium is okay, I saw how helium kills in 1000 ways to die LOL! Boy our house is concrete so there’s no chance the gas will leak into another room except for the door and windows if left unsealed. There will be warning on the door so enter at their own peril, they’ve been warned. Yeah I don’t care if I turn cherry red… I’ll be dead after all I’m sooo stricken with grief I don’t care if I look like the crypt keeper at the end of all these. As long as I disappear forever and ever amen!!!
I wish life is kinder to me and you…. and the rest of the folks in suicideproject.com
I don’t know you at all but I feel like I’ve known you for years… or just because I’m semi-drunk right now. It’s like I’m talking with myself in the mirror.
Moe, please contact me or something, do you have msn or some kinda chat application?
Moe, I have more idea of what you’re going through then you might think, I know what its like to lose a close friend, and I know this can be made worse when you have feelings for the said friend.
If we could chat sometime, I’d like that, and Im sure I can help offer you some support and perspective.
Dude I’ve set up a private chat room, if you feel up to it then go to: http://www.******.com/581555405837 enter a name and click join chat
I’ll be in there if you want to talk. As I said, Im not trying to talk you into or out of anything, I jus want to talk
I mean 15×20 feet room… sorry I was sleepy i replaced some words