fuk ill try to write it again…..
can anyone help me grow a pair… i want to die so bad but i ran out of balls…. i got the exit bag system all ready, but id rather sleep and dream… wont it be just the same except i dont have to wake up… every time i wake up im cranky becuase im not alseep dreaming where no1 can bother me.
so in short, how do i get more strength to follow throu????
in summary im a 26 yr old male, who has wanted to die since primary school, i used to write poems about death and dispear, my principal rang my mum and then i found out no feels like me. i used to walk around by myself every lunch, just wondering the school yard…
every year the desire to die just got so strong, i remember in high school i would just walk home during the middle of class so i could go 2 bed and cry.
then i started to feel nothing, no laughter, no good feelings.. ever… if i seen something funny i would not laugh…
at 19 my best friend… my only friend suicided… i couldnt belive he did it before me, his life was so much better, i wanted his life so much, but he died…
i seen how suicide effects people…. its not good, so i said i wouldnt do it….
i tryed to get friends, i tryed to get help
no1 wants 2 be friends with me, im a loser, skinny, ugly, girls despise me, dumb, weak, no hand eye co ordination, no social skills, no dress sence, im the person 2 aviod at all costs. it trakes me 14x longer to learn something.. anything.. then an average person.
when i tryed to get help i got locked up, police came and got me and i got locked in a room in the hospital. dont reach out, what ever you do, u will scare off anyone who knows you, and u will get put away, with no easy way to kill urself then. only reach out if ur female… it only ok for a female to cry, people will help u then.
the only family i got is my mum,
im so distanced from her now i wont hurt her if i die, i iscolated my self from everyone, i cant hurt anyone if i die, i dont want friends anymore, just want to be left alone
there is no hope for the future…. just a minimum wage job. no woman could ever love an ugly retart man making minimum wage… just some bills and 2 days off a week is all i got to make myself happy…
i dont feel happyness anymore, i dont feel anyhting anymore… no laughter, no joy, no excitment.
the only feelings i feel now, is hot/cold and hunger and the need to go 2 the bathroom, thats all i feel
i know, i know,i know things will never get better, i know i will not laugh again. i know i will not feel a good feeling.
so y am i just sitting here typing? why dont i have the balls to turn on the gas? everything i ever wanted is right there if i turn on the exit bag gas….. but im just a loser with no balls……
10 comments
where you from ?
okay so im only 13, and ive thought of suicide, but look.. you can make friends, when i came to high school i thought no one would want to be my friend because im so ugly & fat, turns out im friends with everyone in the class. as i said im only 13 but listen, the reason you dont have the balls to do it is because truthfully, deep down somewhere inside you.. you dont want to die. you know you still have a chance.
Is that you Blackqwert.Anyone think it’s him
I’m a chick. I’ve got no balls, too, sir. I can relate about the whole being alone in school. I used to wander around alone too every recess with just my cookie and pencil, heh. I’d skip classes to go cry wishing I would drop dead right there. If you want I’d like to be your friend. I’m a good listener. But I’m afraid I’ve no solutions. Just patiently waiting for life to get better for me. If not and I grow too old then I’ll just go.
Thank you for sharing your story. Made me feel like I’m not the only one who felt that way.
“it trakes me 14x longer to learn something.. anything.. then an average person”
Have you seen someone about this,cos you could have spent your school years with some undiagnosed learning difficulty which on it’s own will make you feel left out.
I am not exaggerating when i say that i could have wrote this post word for word. My entire life has been one filled with loneliness, rejection, and isolation.
I would spend many recesses alone too in elementary school. I wanted off of this planet since I was six years old.
I am 25 years old and I can relate to the hopelessness towards the future. I am stuck at a dead end minimum wage job because i am too much of a screw up to do anything else. My social skills are shot because of living in isolation for so long so i have no hope for friends or relationships in my future. I am too unattractive for any woman to even consider me.
The truth is that i am slowly wasting away. My past has turned into something that now tortures me because it just confirms who i really am: a sad inadequate human who is slowly losing himself and wasting away. There are no comforting thoughts in my past or good memories. There is only silence, isolation, and rejection.
I can’t make it through a day without facing up to how ugly i am and how terrible and hopeless my life is. My reality has turned into a living nightmare where life is unbearable but death seems impossible. The only reason i live is out of fear and thoughts of suicide constantly linger in my mind throughout my entire day.
My days have basically turned into a vicious cycle of berating myself, feeling depressed, thinking of suicide, and then feeling hopeless once i realize that i am too scared to go through with it. Right now my mind is in a battle with itself. The logical part of my mind knows that suicide is the best option for me but my primitive mind just won’t let me go. Everyday i can literally feel the two parts of my mind battle with itself. The logical part of my mind is getting stronger everyday. i wonder if one day it will be strong enough so that i can kill myself with ease and not have to go through with suicide while having a heavy heart.
Hey man. You don’t know me and I don’t know you either but I just wanted to say that I am SO GLAD that you haven’t committed yourself to suicide just yet. That might not be what you wanted to hear, but coming from someone who’s brother hung himself and who, herself, deals with suicidal feelings everyday, all I can say is that one day can change everything even when you aren’t looking for a way out. I care for you and empathize with your numbness. Please just think about what I’ve said.
Peace.
sorry,I shouldn’t put labels on things that’s what shrinks do – not good
From what I know, the “courage” you seek to commit the final act is all about reaching a critical mass.
My second suicide attempt (first when i was 14, was going to slit my wrists over a stupid girl breaking up with me and i chickened out heh) was downing a bottle of tylenol and going to sleep.
After i took the first handful of pills i chickened out immediately and rushed downstairs to the toilet to try to induce vommitting and abort. I couldn’t throw the pills up though. I was very scared and panicking. I told myself, “don’t be a *****, you have no choice, just finish the job.”
So i sat back down on my bed and started putting 3 to 4 pills in my mouth.. swallowing… and repeating…
it felt like some one else was doing this… like i wasn’t in control of my body anymore and something else had taken over…
i didn’t want to die… i still don’t… i want more out of life… i just don’t think life has much more to give me… and there is little i care to give back to life at this point…
i called a friend after i swallowed the bottle… and talked with him untill i could feel the pills starting to take affect… somehow i managed to fall asleep with a heart rate of about 150 beats per minute and completely scared out of my mind lol
i ended up waking up still alive and tried to smoke a cigarette and wait some more but then puked up everything and freaked out and figured i fucked up so got some help..
anyway point is…you need to have something PUSH you to do commit the act. there will be fear possibly if you fear death. fear not being you any more. fear everything you know and have ever known will cease to be. courage is not about having no fear, it’s about acting in the face of fear.
For me i was afraid, but i knew i didn’t have a choice… and I truely didn’t… my life was nothing but eating shitting sleeping watching video games tv and being tortured every day by reality and the lack of sanity within myself. I had put off suicide for quite a long time, but the my time finnaly came and i had no more options left.
It’s like the people who were trapped in the world trade center towers after they were hit… the people who were above the plane crash impacts had two choices…. be burned alive or jump to their death…
suicide isn’t about wanting to die. it isn’t about finding the courage to end your misery. it’s about choosing a scary and possibly painful death as opposed to scary and definately more painful life…
as for my life today. i think about suicide at least once a day. however i meditate now. it took me about a year to start seeing benifets and i’m still depressed, but i think thoughts are often the most painful thing…
sometimes just being aware of your own breath and the sounds of the universe you can hear can be very freeing from the painful thoughts of the past or future or desires and attachments…
as for my life right now…
i enjoy eating good food. i enjoy playing video games. i enjoy smoking cigarettes and looking at the stars. I enjoy talking to my very few friends over the phone once a month or so. i enjoy talking to random people on the internet even though i will most likely never meet them. i sometimes enjoy watching tv. i enjoy masterbating. i mostly enjoy working when i have a job. i still like to learn. i like to experience new things.
things that will probably not happen for me are finding a partner for a stable relationship. finding fulfillment in life. being satisfied with who i am and proud of my accomplishments. contribute to society in a positive way that i am satisfied with.
so anyway, if you read this far…
i guess my point is…
when you run out of options you will have the courage… and it will be a sad thing… and you won’t want to die, but you’ll have no other options…
at least that’s how it was for me…
i think for a lot of people though… it goes like this…
I’ve got a similar situation. Minus the girls thing. I have girls. They don’t help. It’s really more of the same thing. Being alone in a crowd. I’ve been looking at what people call evil. There are many words for it, but psychopath is the one I’m most drawn to. I don’t feel different from anyone else. People talk about chemical imbalances in the brain. Supposedly my mother did as well depending on what day it was. All that sounds like bullshit to me. The only difference I see in people with “chemical imbalances” vs those without is that those with them are the ones that reach out successfully. I don’t want to go into my job but I was employed in the Pharmaceutical field and the medications are so very unspecific because we know next to nothing about the brain minus one chemical cascade. All boil down to depressants and stimulants. Everything else you might as well take a hammer and flip a coin as to where to put the nail on your skull to drive home. Well not really but you get what I mean. Reaching out doesn’t work for everyone. It’s not just guys. There are many subgroups: ethnic, social, economic, etc.
Anyways psychopaths are defined as people who have no emotions, no guilt but do have a discomfort while pretending to associate with “normal” people. Often described as anti-social…basically it’s anything a society could say is bad in a person along with a fiery brand that says, “Hey it’s just how his brain is wired.” I look for exemplary psychopath case studies, interviews anything. Nothing ever comes up conclusive at least nothing any more conclusive than a sociopath. That is my point actually. A sociopath chooses to be a psychopath. These terms are all well and good but confusing. Don’t be. Basically psychology is just saying this is what is inconvenient for society and everyone can choose to be it. Kinda like religion saying everyone deserves to go to hell but you can choose not to if you do this.
SO i suggest maybe our problem is not even people but or inability to accept that we just don’t get along with many of them. We don’t fit in society so it has rejected us. But we haven’t yet accepted this. Nor accepted the possibility that we might be better off without society. I’m not saying we should be alone. I’m saying we should be independent of the expectations of society. But just as a teenager becomes independent of his/her parents, the deciding factor is responsibility. Can he/she survive happier on his/her own? Well to continue my analogy, can the individual survive without society? (Hypothetically assuming we could even get away from it…Find a single square foot of earth/water or cubic meter of air not owned by society and taxed as such)