There’s a Reason Behind Everything.

I’ve been thinking alot lately over random periods of weeping about assorted shit. It’s obviously gotten pretty deep or I wouldn’t have posted here.

Obviously anyone who’s been following my story would know that I get down from alot of girl trouble and lack of social skills etc. I’ve more or less narrowed down the cause to my parents for every situation. Especially my mom. They did some shit wrong a long long time ago, whether it was lack of basic education or just a lack of support I don’t know. Maybe both.

I mean I didn’t learn to ride a bike until a year ago and I still suck at it. I can’t swim, I can’t snap my fingers, I haven’t THOUGHT about getting my driver’s license. All the shit I know I taught myself or learned at school, and most of it is the former. I didn’t pay attention in my early school years because I had a lack of interest in people older than me.

My parents, and again my mom especially, didn’t play with me or spend time more than a few minutes. The worst memory I had as a kid and for some reason I remember to this day, is where I was playing with some hot wheels cars (maybe I had led poisoning too.. this was the 90’s, keep in mind), I tell my parents to come play with me because we’re racing or some shit, and they kept taking the cars away and then giving them back to me like some sort of dog playing fetch and not throwing the ball. Of course I was crazy pissed. I still remember that shit. I also remember my parents laughing at every mistake I made and me being confused about why we’re laughing. To this day not much has changed. My mom is still a generic ***** to me, she keeps trying to make me overachieve on shit I can’t, maybe because she almost regrets the earlier years? I know that after they went and watched “The King’s Speech” they came home and sat with me (I had a really bad stutter until age ten or so), and told me that stuttering sometimes comes from your parents being assholes to you as a kid. And I told them what I said just here, and they agreed but that was it. I could have ranted more and more but you know, I can’t fucking swear because it’s “rude”. And it isn’t rude to fuck up your kid’s life and not give a flying shit.

Obviously this isn’t an isolated case, two of my other friends (one is an ex-girlfriend) both have the same issue except that they actually got some sort of education, and I just didn’t give a shit about education because I believed I was going to go nowhere because my parents hadn’t made it clear I was ABLE to go anywhere in life until I found that out on my own.

I read a quote somewhere, and it said that “The past is the only thing that’s real, but the future can be anything.” And I’ve held on to that, I believe I CAN change my future. The reason why I’m still suicidal is because occasionally shit gets way too much. I want my future to change. I want to be in the military and be as far away from my parents as possible, finding at least some form of camaraderie elsewhere. I want a girlfriend who lives nearby and actually gives a shit about me. I want to stop being lonely and underachieving, and I want the opposite to happen to my parents, who I plan on just fucking dropping out of contact when I’m out of the house and have a decently paying job. Maybe it’s mean, but I think it’s a worthy retribution after 16 years of this shit. That’s what keeps me going, is the hope that eventually I can stop being lonely and get out of this house that’s been my potential grave for more times than I can count.

I don’t know why but I’ve been crying alot more recently. Everything’s collapsing on me again. I’m just going to hang on to that hope and see what happens.

Did I say that I also taught myself how to tie a noose?