The reason I live is because somebody I know or don’t know in the future needs me to. I think about suicide because death is easy. Giving up and just failing are also easy. But I think about the people who are worse off than me, and I want to do everything I can to help them. Honestly, I think the world and life are stupid. A stupid, unfair, nonsense game I don’t really want to play. It’s not important to me. But what is important to me is being there for someone in their darkest hour of need.Â
I’m sad I can’t make friends that well, and that I never really had a best friend or even a real friend. I have never been in a relationship. I’ve been picked on, I’m socially awkward, and I want to be somebody else because I don’t like myself.
I feel like I don’t deserve my accomplishments. And you know what else, I’m not straight. I’m a guy that wants to date other guys. I haven’t even came out yet, and people assume I’m straight when I’m not. When my dormmate takes off his shirt in front of me, it’s hard to just sit there and pretend I don’t like what I’m seeing. I bottle my feelings up because I’m scared of being rejected and outcasted, and it hurts…
It takes courage to live life when stuff like this makes you hate yourself. But in the end, I ask myself, is it really going to matter if I die. Life would just go on anyway, and one day I’ll just be old history. I respect those who commit suicide. I don’t blame them. I blame the circumstances life put them in, ’cause life really is a *****.
I don’t always know what I’m supposed to do or what I’m supposed to say. I don’t always have the answers, and I can’t always help people. I’m just someone who wants to be free from an uncaring, boring society.
I desire to be someone else because living sucks. But I live because I have a reason to, whether I know it or not.
1 comment
You sound like you have a lot of live to give. He who finds you will be a lucky man. You must see you have some worth, because you believe you have something to offer someone special. I can’t imagine how difficult it would be to come out, but you may find it liberating. Good luck!