So I am new here, had a browse round tonight and figured I would make the effort to post something of an intro, not quite an outro, yet.
To cut a very long story short, I have Asperger’s Syndrome, which is a form of Autism. I don’t see the world like many of you do.
Basically, imagine thinking everyone has a conspiracy against you, god is punishing you, and living in a CONSTANT state of anxiety, with being alive as the irritant, this is a little idea of what it is like in my mind, this is everyday, ‘normal’ life for me. It is like having a burning chemical on your skin that you can NEVER scrub off, you know you will feel it burning for as long as you live.
I have never been a very social person, but I am married. My husband, I can’t go into much detail because people do watch me online, has simlar ‘ways’ to myself, which is why I think we click, but apart from that, I don’t really do well with my fellow humans.
I have been considering ending my life for years, the idea first started when I was about 17. I clawed on though, I found corners of solace in listening to and playing music, and through art. These things replaced the huge human void in my life, and eventually watching others socialise and enjoy themselves ceased to bother me at all
I don’t ‘long for’ or want people anymore, all I want is to feel comfortable in my own skin, but I don’t, and I know I never will. Anyone who knows a thing about aspergers will know, most people with this condition are blighted by anxiety, which is of course, and understatement.
I don’t intend to tell anyone when my time is up, I will gather my means when the time is right, and vanish. There are no words that could lessen the impact of my end on those who are foolish enough to love me, but an effort to explain would of course be given.
I’m not ‘doing it’ yet, but recent events in my life have caused me to suffer a hell of a lot more anxiety, and now I have a deluded idea that the god I have never believed in, and never will, is taking out his wrath on me through recent events.
I went to my secret little place in town the other day, a tiny little park with about 4 graves, no idea why there are graves there, but hey. For some reason this made me realise that I am so jealous of dead people. Once a person’s heart and brain stop working, the world effectivly ends. That’s it, the world ends because they are not there to perceive it anymore, their bodies have been placed in the ground, nobody expects them to get up and perform any tasks do they. They don’t feel the constant physical pain caused by anciety, that pressure that is always there in the center of their chests.
It pisses me off to a degree when people whine about broken hearts and jobs etc, try one day seeing, and feeling the world around you like I do, then the man you spent a week with, or the promotion you didn’t get, you may find yourself needing a microscope to see them after that.
~Sappy~
4 comments
My brother is severely autistic, it’s sad to think that people with this condition could think like this, I know people with asperges and autism are very much like any other person other than how they percieve the world but I’d hate for my brother to think like this
He’s got a metabolic condition to where he can’t eat fat and if he does then it will slowly kill his brain and organs.
His life is horrible and all I think of is myself and how shit my life is.
If I compared mine to his, I’d have nothing to compare with.
I’d love to be able to see the world through and autistic person’s eyes for just one day, to truly understand what goes on.
I hope you find the courage to realise that you’re not what you say you are. People with asperges and autism are so valued and loved. True treasures to this planet.
Please don’t think how I feel reflects what it is like for every person with Autism. I know he probably feels a lot of anxiety in his world, but if this is managed well there is no reason he can’t feel good feelings too, I know lots of people with Autism who are ‘worse’ than me who lead very fullfilling lives, some even work in well paid jobs or have amazing talents. There is ALWAYS something a person with Autism is good at, and chances are they are better at that thing than most others who can also do it!
I have got to this point through their being NO adequate support for Asperger’s, and very few professionals who ‘understand’ this condition either.
Right now I am being assessed for a transfer of my disability money to another one, you know, we have to tell them what a freak I am, what I can’t do, what I do do that society and civilized people will never accept etc.
The anxiety at the thought I won’t pass these tests, and that we’ll have to appeal it, all while my mum and husband get landed up giving me money to fund my fuckup, which is an addiction to over the counter pills with codeine in (I live in the UK and you can buy codeine over the counter mixed with paracetamol and ibuprofen). These added drugs are killing me slowly anyway, so I am hoping I have a stomach bleed soon and die from that.
It won’t be nice, but there is never a nice way to die, even if it’s painless or as much as possible, there is no nice way to die.
I am an honest person, I don’t say things about myself that are untrue.
I too have Asperger’s, i think it is genetic, i struggle on an emotonal level rather than on a mental or physical level.
I have to deal with Homophobia, Transphobia and the daily struggle not to kill myself, half of me wants to die, and the other half does not.
I battle out the good points and bad points in my mind.
If i kill myself i will be free, but my family will be upset….what do i do?
Exactly the same situation here Biscuit of Death. I wonder sometimes if it would have been better that I didn’t get married. I know everyone else would soon forget me, but my husband, no he wouldn’t.
I think it is him that is the deciding factor as to why I am still around. The poor chap has endured quite a negative childhood, and he adores me as much as we sometimes have our differences. I think he is somewhere on the ASD spectrum too, albeit not diagnosed like I am , he has his quirks. He does however manage a job, which he is very proud of, it isn’t a particularly exciting job, but it gives him a sen se of self worth, and has allowed him to have the things he wants.
I have never been able to work, and probably never will be, I know for sure I couldn’t cope with it anyway, too much of a fuckup me.
I am on track to a breakdown, and I think perhaps I should think about killing myself before I put him through that. I don’t know, is it worse to watch someone waste away like I am slowly, in the grips of extreme anxiety and addiction, or is it better to go suddenly and leave some kind of explanation?
This dilemma has plagued me for so many years. The part of me which is totally selfless, a trait certainly NOT common in people with Autism & Aspergers, who are usually very self absorbed, can’t do it to my husband. The part of me that loves him and hates to imagine how he feels everyday watching me disintegrate, and thinks it may be better if I just ended my life and left in the hope he would eventually forget me, and not land up joining me.
I CAN feel empathy, everyone thinks I can’t, if I couldn’t I would certainly be dead by now. I did plan a means and a date (heaven forbid anyone I know reads this), but I was unable to go through with it, again because of my husband. I pictured him having to ID my body when I was found (I wouldn’t do this at home), and I imagined his broken tears falling on my cold slab. How could I do this to someone? Do I have a right?
Is it a choice I should make for me, or am I right in considering others, even if it prelongs MY little hole of a life?