being positive

the woman i was with for 5 years and my first love left me for drugs. i was forced back to living with my mother and her crazy boyfriend that mentally tortured me know that he could kick me out anytime i said anything. finally we fought and i was kicked out to be homeless for 4 months. i sucked up my pride and came to live with my ex at her house. she pretty much just tells me how much better her new boyfriend is and i was exiled to one room of the house. one good thing is i work 20 hours a week but all of it goes to rent. i have no friends and my family are just all violent drunks. i tried to join army and was turned down and my job is up in another month. i really need to leave this house but i hate to be homeless again. i constantly thing of suicide and my ex rubbing her new and better man in my face is driving me insane but i act like i dont care cus even if im unhappy at least she is doing good you know. im really a positive person but this is gettn much and i feel really empty inside even tho i constantly force myself to act happy and crap. i am a burdon to everyone including the military cus they wont even take me. i dont have it that bad i just think im being weak