My eyes they droop and sting as i stare aimlessly at this very screen upon which i write my tale of woe.My mind thoughtless, my body motionless,my self lifeless. I don’t know how it all happened so quickly. Over a period of 3 years, everything i once knew my life to be disappeared and crumbled into a nothingness like no other. Apparently ”life’s not about how hard you can hit, its about how hard you get hit and still keep pushing forward” . But till when? where is the line, the boundary, the limitation. Every being is limited. So a man’s life in all it’s entirety can be taken away and still someone can say “ just get back up when it knocks you down”. are you kidding me? no, that’s not possible. Were not machines. Were  cogs in a machine that has a breaking point. And once we reach that point it takes great strength and courage to wake up in the morning, and just get through a mere 24 hours. It’s gotten to the point where just being ‘fine’ is something to be grateful for. Life now weighs heavy on my mind. Survival and happiness weigh heavy on my conscience. And happiness hurts my heart. Isn’t it a shame. After years of neglect and abuse, an adoption, the death of a biological parent, the molestation by my new fathers best friend, the death of a sibling, the one heartbreak too many, the abortion of my child, wouldn’t you say that I’ve seen enough? Im tried man. Im so tired and yet i feel like Dory from finding Nemo who’s constantly telling herself to ”just keep swimming just keep swimming”. But im not Dory. Im not a fish in an Ocean. Im a human being on earth, amongst 6.4 billion other people, and despite this vast number, i still manage to feel so lonely, and so small. The idea of the is increasingly becoming more and more possible. Why doesn’t the thought just go. I failed the first time i tried, and the second. Why is it that it wont go? Perhaps it’s a case of  ‘third time lucky’ . Save me from me, please?
-Ess
5 comments
you’re not alone. i know what you mean about being so lonely. its terrible. im here to listen if you wanna talk.
Your story is very sad. The way you tell it reminds me of myself at times. Especially when you said “I’m a human being on earth, amongst 6.4 billion other people, and despite this vast number, i still manage to feel so lonely, and so small”. This is how I feel all the time.
I have never tried to kill myself, I will only get to try once because I’m a jumper. I suppose it’s a good think you’re still with us.
If you want to be saved, that means you have something to live for. So live your life as well as you can. Don’t hold yourself back and let yourself sink when your thoughts, or life, bring you down. I know life can throw a lot of shit your way, but you have to keep going if it feels like you need to fight. If it doesn’t feel like you have something to fight for, think back when you used to have something that important, and fight to feel that way again.
I hope that things will start looking up for you.
I have so much potential. So much i can do. So much im good at. Yet i’ve been defeated and my energy has been sucked out. gone, vanished, disapeared, poof. It’s all so uncertain, why do we do this to ourselves?
-Ess
i know that i dont do it to my self on purpose. i cant help it. at times its sad cause i find comfort in it. i know that if all of us had a choice we wouldnt wanna be this way.
touché .. We dont wish this upon ourselves.