I feel like all I have inside is a huge sigh. My body is empty like the carved out center of a pumpkin during Halloween. I’m slowly rotting, and will eventually be eaten by the squirrels. There’s nothing to fill this huge, gaping hole inside me. Sometimes I think that I can fill it somehow: with love, with giving, with words…but it never goes away. Sometimes I forget about it when the sun is up, but once the darkness settles I become a black hole. Sucking in everything, but never being filled. I don’t trust myself alone. I do the worst things when I’m alone, when no one is there to tell me that I shouldn’t. When I’m alone all I feel is the pain and how I can get rid of it quickly. When I’m alone I don’t care that it’s selfish to want to die. At this point, I’m not even sure how I’m still alive. I think it’s because of sleep. When I sleep, I feel nothing. Except then I wake up and sometimes the pain is unbearable. I’m determined to live, not for myself but for my family, friends, and all the people I can help in the future. But that’s sad too, that I don’t see worth in myself except for what I can do for others. At this point though, I’m not sure I deserve anything. I’m close to becoming a hollow shell that does nothing but say nice things to people and volunteer. I almost want that (sad as it sounds) so I don’t drown in the pain. Anyway, had to get that out, even though the words didn’t fill the empty space (yet again).
7 comments
hey dancerina, i have to go though, bbl =)
Change is possible if you think it is.
You inspire me.
Hey X-Boy, haven’t talked to you in a while. What’s up?
And noonespecial, thanks. I don’t deserve the compliment though.
hey =)
Oh…you do have a way with words. I loved it… I wish I could follow you or something like twitter… I’ll have to figure out how to use this site. ANYHOW, I hope to read more~
Hey dancerina, once again you said things straight from my own head. The whole pumpkin analogy is something I’ve often felt. sometimes I even feel the carving knife scraping the insides of my skull, cutting out the last remaining “pulp” of humanity.
“I’m determined to live, not for myself but for my family, friends, and all the people I can help in the future. But that’s sad too, that I don’t see worth in myself except for what I can do for others.”
Is it possible that that’s our fate? Awful as is sounds, could that be how we’re supposed to accomplish our goal in life? I feel the same way… my life has no essence. I do not exist, except for the things I do for others. Sometimes I feel like my whole obsession with helping others is a selfish desire to fill the emptiness of my hollow soul. A way of giving my life validity, even though I’m just a robot who’s not really alive.
“I almost want that (sad as it sounds) so I don’t drown in the pain.”
It’s a horrible thought, but I think you’re right. We need to cope with the pain somehow. For those of us who are sensitive to the pain of others, we have to build up a tolerance to the pain. Or mabye the solution is to rip the pain sensors out of our heads, like a pumpkin lobotomy, so that we can continue with our work?
It sucks for us any way you look at it.
How do you cope with it? Not very well, I guess, since you’re on this site, too…
despite what it is we feel, the fact that were all on this site is because we care. About whatever it may be, we care. If we didn’t we wouldn’t make the effort to log in and search, and post and reply and recheck to see if anyone’s responded to our tales of woe. We care, and maybe that’s where it all starts from. Or perhaps, that’s where it’ll end too. Were fated to pretend. t’is a sad state of affairs. Love to you all.
-Ess