Just a Disappointment. Everyone Leaves

I know many people say they are a disappointment and maybe they are, but I know I am a disappointment. I can never live up to anyone’s standards. I get told by my mom almost everyday that she has higher expectations for me than my sister. My sister is 5 years older than me. Why do I have higher expectations? Yeah I got better grades, but that doesn’t mean anything. It just means that I don’t have a life so I can waste my day studying for something we haven’t even learned yet. I have always had to take care of myself. One day I asked my mom if I could do something and she said no you will be a bother. I replied no I won’t they said it was okay. My mom responded with “you know what I don’t care! Do whatever you want. I don’t even care if you’re dead on the streets.” I didn’t speak to her for the rest of the day. Ever since that day I feel like my mom doesn’t want me. When I was about 5 my parents got divorced. I really didn’t understand what was happening at the time all I knew was that my mom was leaving and I didn’t know when I was going to see her again. That’s when my sister started to take care of me because my dad was an alcoholic. He didn’t really stop until I was about 9. By then I had learned how to take care of myself. I don’t like it when people try to help me. I think that is a sign of weakness and I don’t want to show people that I am weak even though I am. I have dealt with verbal abuse my whole life. People make me feel like an outcast. I never want to tell anyone anything because I am afraid they will just leave just like everyone in my life. I can’t keep a friend for more than 2 years. The only person that I kind of trusted was my sister, but ever since she moved she got really close to my mom and tells her everything I say so I don’t really trust anyone that much. There is three people in my life that I trust the most. One of them is my best friend. She knows probably the most about me even though she doesn’t even know the half of it. I don’t know what I would do without her. However, I am jealous of her. She is beautiful and ever wants to be her friend. Every time I have a crush on someone they meet my best friend and like her more than me. It gets really annoying so I try to keep my crushes away from her. One time I dated this guy and all he wanted was sex so we broke up. Then me and my best friend got in a huge fight where we weren’t talking. Later I found out that my ex and her were dating. He still likes her better than me even though they are not dating anymore. Also, my mom hates her. I don’t know why she just does. So my best friend won’t come over because she knows my mom doesn’t like her. Sadly, she might move to a different state. The second person I can trust kind of is my boyfriend. We have only been dating for about 2 months. However, I told him stuff about me in about 2 weeks of us dating that took me about 4 months to tell my best friend. I have known him for about a year. He became one of my greatest friend, but he is leaving soon. In one more year he is going to move. I don’t know what I am going to do without him. I don’t want him to move. I don’t care if we are dating or not I just can’t lose another friend. The final person I can trust is my “Big Brother.” He isn’t really my big brother, but we act like brother and sister. He is the only one who knows I tried to kill myself. He actually stopped me from doing so. If it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t be typing this. He knows more of my depressed side than anyone else. However, he might also move soon. Everyone leaves at some point so what’s the point of going through that pain again and again when we know it is going to happen. I am just a disappointment in life and everyone leaves. So what’s the point? No one has ever given me a good answer. Probably because there isn’t. I am almost at the breaking point. I just can’t take it anymore. I rather be dead than a disappointment. If it wasn’t for those 3 people I would be dead, but if they all leave I’m giving up in life. I would die without those people. They are closer to me than my family. I can’t wait to leave this place called life.