I’ve been struggling with depression since I was in middle school. I was diagnosed after I tried to kill myself, and was proscribed prozac, but my father thought it was silly, that every teen these days is getting proscibed drugs for what is just a normal part of growing up, and for a while I agreed. I coped with it. I had good days and bad, but I also had a great group of friends I could rely on. I grew up. My 20th birthday is now coming up, and my life, it seems, is in a downward spiral.
Almost two years ago, only a couple weeks after my high school graduation, I went to a party. Unfortunatly I drank, quite a bit. I was raped at that party. I passed out and woke up with some guy on top of me. I wont go into details but it was the single most wretched moment of my life, and I remember every second of it with perfect clarity, which is odd because I remember only bits and pieces of the following months.
I never reported the attack, This is the first time I’ve ever talked about it, and my hands are shaking as I type. I withdrew from my friends and my family for so long that when I finally started to live again my friends were all but gone, off to college or work. Today my social life consists of brief conversations with the barista at the local starbucks. My life has moved on without me, and instead of catching up, I’m spinning my wheels. I’m on hold.
Since the rape thoughts of suicide have been the only constant in my life. The only thing that has stopped me so far is my family. I know they love me and that my death would hurt them, but they don’t know how I feel or what happened to me to make me withdraw from them. And lately those relationships, my reason to keep going, are slipping away from me as well. So I’m here to learn how to rebuild those relationships, and to build new ones with people who truly know what I’m going through.
5 comments
T_T Aww man I hate it when guys are so DAMN SELFISH and STUPID! I’m 20 yrs old and I’ll be 21 in July. I’m still a virgin, keeping it safe from corruption. I don’t want to get hurt the way you did. But I’m here for you and I’ll be your friend.
The guy who raped me isn’t just selfish and stupid. He’s a sadist and a violent monster. He’s in prison right now for another rape. I’m glad I’ve finally told someone, it feels good.
you’re here to rebuild the old.. for unknown reasons, my eyes have condensation. part of it the reason is i wish i could give you an answer.
I always feel better to let something out. However sad or bitter it might be. 🙁 I’m grieving right now.
Graceless- you need to go talk to a mental health professional now. Don’t let that monster take anything else from you, especially your life! Please do that for me.