Stuck and Confused

I have repetitively tried to kill myself in the past 3 or 4 years.  My Doctor and counselor hospitalized me the day my dad committed suicide because they said i had an 80% chance of doing it myself. I was VERY close with my father.. i was only 12 when he did it. My mother was cheating on him and after 3 months of knowing of who it was and several more details about the affair, he hung himself. That morning my family lied to me and said they found him laying in the garage then told me i was heading to the mental hospital. I refused to go.I wasn’t stupid, I knew how he died. My mother than made a phone call and returned saying i just had to go talk with my counselor and after we would have breakfast in honor of him.

When i got to my counselors office my mom came up with me. After a phone call made downstairs by the counselor herself saying saying “We’re ready” My counselor told me there was an ambulance and police downstairs. I either had to cooperate with my mom and go or they would have  forcefully taken me .I chose to cooperate. During the drive there i tried to hop out of the car only to find out the child safety lock was on. I was strapped down and brought inside the hospital. After a week there, i got out and had to return 2 months later because my mom caught me with a rope tied around my neck ready to join my dad. It has been a year and a half since he’s past now. I have stopped taking my medication do to side affects.

The only struggle i have right now is that my mom went and hooked up with the same fucking guy she cheated on with my dad last night. I read some text messages on her phone that she sent him saying she didn’t really think of my dad on Fathers day, but that she thought about the sex they shared. I am very overwhelmed and stuck at this moment. Just thinking about it makes me replay all the stuff that happened with my dad over and over and OVER. Honestly i am feeling pretty depressed right now. I was diagnosed with major depression about 4 years ago. I don’t know if anyone will read this, but just know I’m doing this ONLY to vent. Thanks.