Transfered to new college, depressed

So here I am in GA. First week here, never been down to the south before. Everything is so fucking new. I don’t know anyone, no one to eat with in the school cafeteria, always sitting alone, always being stared at. I miss my dog in Korea, miss my old college.

My story from birth to now basically goes like this. Born in Chicago, IL, moved to Korea when 5. At 9 years old moved to Hong Kong because of dad’s job. 14 yrs old, moved back to korea because dad lost his job. 17 yrs old moved to Malaysia to go to boarding school because 1) was a loner/bullied at school 2) parents were going through nasty court case against each other and it was killing me. Met friends and bfs in Malaysia, however depression continued. Started to cut myself, starve myself, got to 44kg at 166cm. Which is pretty skinny, not quite anorexic though, at least i don’t think so. Was on anti-depressants for 2 months, then all of a sudden dad refused to pay for them saying that I am being a wimp depending on medication to fix my emotional pain.

Then got accepted to amazing art & design school in Rhode Island. Was hopeful, but just like the past 18 yrs of my life, I managed to screw college up too. No friends, making it through class, but barely. Ended up picking wrong major, depressed, seeing counselor, dad not paying for it (mom is, at this point mom living i korea, dad living in georgia, sister living in australia).

Decided I could not continue college without flunking out, so told dad I needed to take gap year. He refused, said I just gotta stick through with it. Asked if he would then pay for my counseling and meds. He still said no. I got so mad, I dropped out anyways, mom bought me ticket back to Korea. Rotted in Korea for 6 months doing nothing, trying to apply to new schools, unsure what major i wanted. Decided I wanted to come back to RISD and pursue industrial design. Dad refused to pay for my tuition at RISD. He in fact, threatened to not pay for my support for anything unless I went to Georgia. (What a supportive dad huh). So due to threats from father, and also RISD did not have space for Industrial Design, came to Georgia. Hate it here. Want to go back to RISD. Feel like I gave up an opportunity of a life time for a mediocre opportunity.

What kills me most is my sister took a gap year in college due to family issues as well. Dad allowed her to. He also continued to pay for her college, he gave her 10 times the allowance he is giving me now. So why is it that he refused to let me take a gap year, and refused to let me return to the college I wanted to go to? And gives me so little “allowance” that’s what he calls it to makes me feel better. but in reality i need to use it to buy food, print, and laundry. so what is left is so little i can’t do anything or go anywhere. and he told me when i complained “its different story with your sister, she was going through a tough time and i wanted to make her feel supprorted” UUH HOW ABOUT ME. I AM GOING THROUGH MUCH MORE THAN HER AND YOU ARE NOT SUPPORTING ME AT ALL.

Studying random major, subjects that I failed in high school. Lonely, depressed like always. On medication (left over from Korea) but still feel social anxiety and depression. Been stuffing myself with food (my eating pattern as turned from close to anorexia to bulimia). Feel trapped, screwed up life since a kid, don’t know how the hell I am supposed to grow up like a normal adult. My dad loves his money more than me. My sister always a million miles away, too far and too busy to deal with me. My mom herself is suffering from depression, so not a very good person to be helping me out. My friends from high school all moved on, none have time for my rants. Feel abandoned. Feel like there is no future for me. Feel like I just want to fall asleep and NEVER wake up.