So I was originally googling best methods for suicide and came across this site. I thought there might as well be one place I wrote the truth.
The reason I want to kill myself, is I’ve lost who I was, everything. My friends, talent, school marks, personality. Lets just say I’m a complete failure.
I think I am a perfectionist, I needed to be reassured so that I didnt fade into a nobody, but hey too late for that!
One night in the city waiting for a lift a man tried to rape me in a dirty bathroom, He ripped off my shirt and touched me, I got free with only a black eye and broken finger, I know I was lucky.
But I was scarred, I did had people there for me. I told my best friend, the next week a rumour at school surfaced that I had sex in a bathroom. I was now considered “a dirty slut” (im a virgin by the way), and I had no trust in anyone.
So that brings us to the complete and utter destruction, I turned cold and submissive, I stole and got caught twice, I became a liar and lost my parents respect for a while, my A’s become C’s and D’s and everything I did was forgotten.
I had noone to talk to, and the thing is my friends think Ive gotten over that and Im back to my happy self.
I feel like a failure in life already, and I can’t relate to anyone, I dont share interests of normal teenagers.
I just want to disappear completely, so that leads us to now.
So if I do go through with this, I hope someone finds this.
7 comments
Hey, there im sorry to hear that you feel that way. You can get back what you once had, your only 16. Please think it over. Oh and you should report the guy who tried to sexually assault you.
Hey thankyou, yeah theres a voice telling me that, I just am too lost in everything else I suppose.
Nah theres really point, it was months ago and it wouldnt do much.
Dude; I know how you feel. I was sexually abused for several years when I was little. My parents loved me, but we didn’t talk about it and they never did anything about it. So, yeah, it sucks. Just know that there are people to talk to about it. At least give yourself a chance to work through some of your feelings before you do something you can’t take back.
When your 16 I believe you are meant to feel lost. You are going thru many changes in your life and a lot sucks.
I have gone thru all you have and more. I know it seems hopeless and you hate life BUT IT WILL GET BETTER. Being a teenager SUCKS…I hated it.
I am now 41 with 3 wonderful kids and I am so glad I did not end it when I was your age. I have learned a lot from all the shit I have gone thru and it has made me stronger.
Now don’t get me wrong I do not have the best life, we are poor, struggle paycheck to paycheck. Life is hard and somedays I have had enough, but I keep going and the next day is really great.
Keep strong, you will make it thru
Most of wha tyou’ve said are classic signs of post-traumatic stress and possibly severe depression from that. Theres nothing wrong with that. you were severely traumatized. I’m the same way. You need someone you can talk to, like acounselor or a pastor or someone.
Even just calling the crisis line. Trust me, it helps, I’ve had to call a few times. It sounds like you might be in England, the number is Distress Line: 519-667-6711.
In Canada: 1-800-448-3000
in the US: 1-800-784-2433 and 1-800-273-8255
you might as well try it before giving up completly, If it doesn’t help, at least you know you tried
<3
don’t give up, little one. you are not alone. and even though high school seems like such a huge part of life now, it really truly doesn’t last forever. even if it feels like it.
there are people out there who can help you heal from ptsd/ depression from the sexual assault (as well as the residual trauma from the rumors and betrayal). what you went through was VERY physically and psychollogcialy/ emotionally traumatic. if anyone says you were “lucky” just because he didn’t put anything inside you (sorry to be graphic, just got no other way to say it), tell them to F**k off! cuz it was still a complete assault of your body mind and soul, and a violation of your boundaries.
i hope you have a trusted adult you can talk to. high school kids obviously don’t have great track records as confidants. but you need to talk to someone, even at a crisis line. it’s too much to handle on your own. no wonder you are depressed. there are even other online forums specifically for dealing with sexual assault and ptsd. pandora’s aquarium, or something like that, is one of them. that’s another good way to find people who understand and won’t judge and it’s easier to open up cuz they don’t know you.
you are brave for reaching out. you are strong, cuz you survived (even if you don’t feel strong, you are). and you are amazing and perfect exactly as you are. don’t let anyone tell you different. have you heard that song “F**Kin perfect” by pink? if not, check it out, cuz u really are f**Kn perfect, no matter what.
<3 <3 <3
Don’t give up. That was a horrible experience for you to have gone through, would you ever consider telling your parents or confiding in a teacher at school? Don’t let it eat you up inside.
Rumours will pass, kids are stupid in school. You didn’t deserve that, but remember, once you’ve left school, so will the rumour.
Don’t worry about your grades, you can always make them up later if you need to. It’s not the end of the world (I got awful grades in school, but I’m graduating university in November, you can do it 🙂 ).
I understand a lot of what you’ve said, bullying made me behave badly and I lost my parents’ respect for a while. It will pass, I know it doesn’t feel like it, but it does. I felt the same way when I was 16, but a year later I felt so much better (now I’m not feeling so great, but knowing my ‘ups and downs’ it will probably pass).
I hope everything goes well for you, anyone who can write like you at 16 has talent. Roll with it if you can. Make yourself a project, maybe about your feelings or something you like, and focus on that until your life feels a bit less awful.