i’m so far from where i once was. 3-4 years ago was a great time for me, then it all evaporated pretty fast, my job, love life, friends and family, and my motivation.
first of all i lost my job when my childhood friends felt usurped and could not respect my new position in the company even though i earned it, my boss came to me and told me they had talked about my performance. i was doing what my boss wanted and what our suppliers wanted, being in charge i shouldnt be doing the actual work, but they didnt see it that way. i couldnt keep working there regardless of what my boss’s decisions was after that, needless to say i lost those friends who i’ve known since elementary school.
my best friend whom i was always there for no matter what, was forced to make a decision about cutting me out of his life. his gf and her family had this impression of me that wasnt very good, so he cut me out cold turkey.
my potential gf was keeping me on the side, with a bf and father of her children in the dark. it blew up when we spke on the phone. that was a major blow.
so i moved from the city, back to my home town. i thought there’s no place like home. while i still had some loyal friends here it still feels like most ignore me and for them i am not here. this being a critical time in my life i really needed some comfort and advice, a shoulder to cry on, a person to open up to and get things off my chest. there was no one there for me. and to top it off my brother felt the need to get some things off his chest, apparently im not a good uncle.we had a big argument. things will never be the same with my bro.
i took more criticism from my life choices from people i looked up to at home. i have never been so lonely and i have this empty feeling that wont leave me most of every day. i feel there is no one i can talk to here and i just don’t want to hurt anymore and feel bad. it is unbearable at times, especially when i see and hear so much happiness out there that i’m not a part of. even now i hear them and tears are welled up in my eyes, books and entertainment arent enough to live on.
i hope there is another way because i want to be happy, i just dont know .
im starting to think there is only one way out, and the only things stopping me is how it will affect the family i do have left.
3 comments
Humans are fallible. Who you thought was your rock and harbor only turns out to be sand and rotting wood. The situation with your brother may be salvageable, however it is up to you to correct the situation. You can’t reliably understand each other without explaining ideas to each other; communication helps people correct errors in their ideas about each other, and without error correction mistakes will be a constant occurrence.
You can’t let every bad thing that has happened to you make you want to end it all. Problems are inevitable. There is no lifestyle that avoids all problems. But there are lifestyles that have less problems or smaller problems. Problems are also solvable: there’s always something we can do about them.
Although all problems have solutions, they may not have the type solution you initially want. Sometimes we have mistaken goals, and the solution involves changing our mind about what to want. Whenever this is the case, there will always be some good reason, and some explanation of how this change is entirely in our best interest. If a new mindset is better, there must be some way to voluntarily and happily change to it.
Though I can only support you through cyberspace, I’ll be here. I can’t give you an actual shoulder to cry on, but I’ll listen to you. You can e-mail me at lunaatnight@yahoo.com.
I feel for u , ive been estranged from my family many yrs. now since about the time I joined the service in 84′ things were never the same once I returned.They could not relate to me anymore nor could I relate to.them either.Things continued to deteriorate between 2002-2004 my younger brother told me I was dead as far as he was concerned,that hurt so much. These days I tell people my family r all dead when im asked if I have any family. U r so right in saying u need a shoulder to cry on,someone to open up to.i am willing to listen. I would be who knows where if I did not have someone to open up to.My therapist has become a close friend over the past 6months or so,it took a couple of years before I was able to open up. Im curious as to.why initially everyone seemed to turn on u.
thanks for replying to me, not much has changed since my post. to answer your question you were curious about, my friends and co-workers had talked ill of me at my job about my performance. they’ve been with that company for awhile and i was successful at another company, the boss knew of my success and offered me a raise if i would join him. he said he knows what i have done and what i’m capable of and i have nothing to prove. i joined and things went as well as can be expected, in a matter of months i was put in a position of authority and there was only two people int he company higher than me. i can only assume on why they didnt feel happy for me. it was probably the fact that i was there for a very short time and was given a raise and promotion ahead of them. my best friend had his wife and family to think about. i guess i can understand that, when put with a choice of being friends with me or possibly changing the dynamic of his family. my brother and i were seperated by 14 years so we were never tight knit. i frequently had his kids over to spend time with me, seeing as i was out of work and wanted/needed family i was happy to have them. i love them more than anything in the world, but he misinterpreted me, i disciplined them when with me, nothing physical or too emotional but i did raise my voice when they misbehaved. he’d heard about it and that’s what created a rift between us, they had a more laid back approach when it came to their kids and thought i’d talked to harshly to them. nothing much else has changed, i am trying to be more social and get out there. it’s really not the same as when i grew up here though. the people are nice enough, when out walking they will say hi. but its the personal level of interaction i need, my friends still arent really my friends any more. i’ve tried to rekindle old friendships but to no avail. could i really have changed that much? i still don’t know, i’m trying though. but there’s only so much times that i will pick up that phone only to have my calls screened and not answered or left messaged not returned. i did find comfort in reading your reply though, lunaatnight’s as well. unfortunately i live in a small community and no therapist is here to help yet. although i am told one is on the way, as soon as all of the proper arrangements have been made.