I’ve read a few posts on this page, and it’s probably the only thing in this area that lifted my spirits in this subject. I hate all the love and optimism shit that gets spread around these topics, especially if the person in question has a terminal disease. I think this optimism alienates people who are already jaded and cynical, or at the least, lonely and confused. Example, go watch anything where the target audience is a breast cancer patient. Maybe it helps people who have enough in them to buy it, but I don’t know, reading a lot of your posts it’s the sort of thing that would push some people like me off the edge. This upbeat tone used to depict something that is innately horrifying is ludicrous and only serves to highlight the absurd humor of human social structures. That said, I don’t have a terminal disease, I don’t have too bad a social life, I wish I had worked harder but that’s something I still have a chance to rectify. I had an abusive childhood, most of the damage was done with psychological abuse, but those stories don’t amount to some I’ve read on here. What bothers me is the effects of a post-industrial society. I hate the way it’s made people think, I hate how some people prosper off the of the abuse of their brothers separated only by arbitrary lines, customs and rules. I hate that god damn optimistic tone that I’m met with, I hate that hate is supposedly bad. I hate that most people consider themselves good people. I don’t think good or bad are inherent properties. People just are, and some will live a comfortable life off the abuse of others and format their brain so they don’t have to think about it. Actually I find many people don’t like to think about things that are overly complicated, I think the entertainment industry is the cause of this. Because most humans prefer to talk about trivial things I rarely talk to anyone. Don’t see the point, and I spent most of my childhood training myself to be alone, so that doesn’t bother me. But there’s something further, a sense of isolation. I feel alienated from my fellow man because I do not believe they like to think about the mechanics of their actions. I used to try to talk about it with people, but many called me a “downer.” Fair enough, I made quiet a few good friends who are now spread out because of college with the same downer topics, but after a while you learn just to not talk about it. Keep your cynicism bottled up. I don’t know, everything that comes out to me commercials, tv shows, billboards, seem to have lowered and modified the human condition and I’m sick of it. You can’t fight back, you can’t run, all you can do is shove that fucking big mac in your face. This has lead me to a stance of apathy. I don’t often get excited about things because I know they carry no innate meaning. I wish I could remain apathetic but every now and then I feel a rush of extreme emotions hit me and I go a little nuts and either laugh or drink myself out of it. Everything’s a joke to me, human suffering, the Holocaust, the most terrible and senseless tragedies that man forces on to himself. Everything. Sometime I’d like to raise a puppy or kitten to a gun and pull the trigger just to prove that point. If nothing except physical structure is innate then our mode of living is arbitrary chosen (or rather, chosen over evolution till humans started enforcing artificial selection) so the suffering itself is meaningless, our social structure which everyone values is meaningless. Morals have no meaning aside from what you ascribe. One big joke.
I want to die badly but being logically oriented I convinced myself that suicide is illogical because life is finite anyway, and someday I’ll get my death that I crave. I want to die for the same reasons a lot of you do I imagine, though our circumstances and driving forces may be different we have arrived here because the pain of living exceeds our threshold for tolerance, or the joy of living. In that case we are all lonely, confused and in a great deal of pain. But that’s your right, and no one has the right to take that away from you, nobody should be able to hold your hand and tell you it’s all going to be ok, because life is more complex then that. More nuanced. I think we all just want the pain to stop, most of my life feels like someone repetitively stabbing me in the chest and social circumstances can not counter this. And I can feel as miserable as I fucking want about it. But truth is, in reading your honest stories, both the happy and the sad I have found people I can relate too. Maybe a few in these is all you need to make it through life. But it doesn’t matter, to all of you who have felt this pain and questioned, to all of you who feel isolated whether it’s by your hatred of social convention or smelly discharge I want you to know this: In this moment, I love you. Whether you choose to live on or die, whatever kind of being you are I want you to know that I love you because your a human being and I also know what it feels like to be completely alone. Whatever choice you make it’s yours to make. I will not love you less if you live or die.
I also think optimism blossoms when attempts to control human behavior are not made… maybe.
-sincerely, a bitter, hollow, shell of a man
8 comments
for being so bitter and hollow you had some very nice things to say. Anyway, thank you, the world feels a little less empty after reading your post, so thank you
I love you too. It’s what we want to hear. People want to be fooled. The satisfation of seeing through an illusion decreases with each successful revelation.
I have a mental cancer caused by abduction and abuse. One that will never truly heal in this life.
Deadinsideatleast – I’m not sure what words to use. I’ll try to be direct here. What you said in your post really made sense to me. I found this site a couple days ago, and remember talking to myself about how ‘these people’ or ‘what happens here’ is something I connect with in a way I’ve found nearly impossible elsewhere.
The point you made about optimism alienating people who are already jaded and cynical – yet another thing I have felt strongly and thought about, yet never (until now) found anywhere where my thoughts were shared.
Tonight’s been an interesting night for me I’ll add. I have been planning my suicide by way of the exit bag with ******** (previously helium until reading some of the posts I found here a couple days ago) for a few months. Yesterday I wrote my first (unpublished) facebook ‘note’ which has now become my suicide plan journal of sorts. I leave comment after comment on the details of my plan, which is to die before my birthday on the 14th of July, and it has ‘helped’… yes, where’s the logic there, or in any of this, I also don’t know. But like you mentioned, it’s complicated, full of nuance.
I don’t know. In general – I – do – not – know. But I am ‘happy’ to say that I feel more related to you and the others here. In the isolation, this experience, ‘condition’ (?)..
I called the suicide hotline on the side of this blog today. This after talking with a nurse this morning who happened to mention to me that one of her 1st jobs was working the suicide hotline and that 99% of the people who called ‘weren’t serious’ so she knew from the first week that job wasn’t for her. But I called the hotline, knowing how illogical it was and all.
I read your post shortly after my talk with someone named Henry, who never spread around the optimism shit. I actually feel better after that call. But I don’t feel any less an outsider and generally miserable than I did before.. Ok maybe less miserable right now, but you know what I mean I hope.
I want to say ‘I saw you’ after reading your post. I want to say ‘I saw me’ after reading your post. Thank you. I will re-read it.
“I also think optimism blossoms when attempts to control human behavior are not made…” -Deadinsideatleast
alright i’m getting tired now, I’ll be making less and less sense if I keep writing with being sleepy and all.
You know what..you are a smart person. and this is no BS-sweet talk (as I hate it very much too).
Just for the sake of curiosity, try google “free MBTI test” and click on the first links, take the short test, and let me know what’s the result.
You may be surprised that:
1. you are not alone/as lonely as you might initially think
2. there are certainly other people who are same or similar just like you (& who are smart, intelligent too),..but it’s just that most probably they’re still ‘hidden’ , quite few (not so many or “mainstream”), and scattered all over the planet (that’s why Internet is such a greatest invention! it *brings* people all around the planet together, sort of!).
and FYI, you really sound like one user here in SP, but now -somehow & strangely- he has regained back his optimism and thus not posting anymore in this blue website.
He went by the name of “TomDavis”.
so just want to show you that you’re definitely not alone,..it’s just that -like him- people like you (& me, & him) is probably not too many in this world, and hence, is quite ‘hidden’ from our everyday lives. but if you open your eyes wide enough & being open, you might probably encounter some really interesting people in the strangest places you’ll never expect. ‘cuz Life is strange sometimes (or often).
Hey niki. I took your test and got this http://keirsey.com/4temps/mastermind.asp haven’t read the results but they got the introverted part right. Here let me write it.
INTJ
Introverted 67%
Intuitive 12%
Thinking 75%
Judging 11%
I have a lot of stuff to say reading everyone’s comments, but it’s really late and I should get to bed. I’ll check back here at before I close the window in a few days. I don’t know if this will help anyone but when my personal life was bad I used to use art to distract myself (still do but to a lesser degree). 2 movies that really helped me were Lost in Translation and Garden State. LiT is a beautiful story because it’s about two people who feel isolated and detached from their own lives finding each other and developing a sweet and beautiful friendship. Made me less suicidal at points where I was breaking. I also read a lot of things that weren’t supposedly uplifting but helped me, graphic novels like Watchmen or Batman’s: The Killing Joke. Writings of Vonnegut are also great. Anyone who thinks about what I wrote in regards to living in a post industrial world might also take heart in “Industrial society and it’s future” google it if interested. Though I should warn you, it’s the saddest thing I’ve ever read. But it was a necessary read for me because I used to think about those things all the time, and when they were clearly presented I could accept it (A long and challenging process for me) and then move on. Well I’ve rambled a lot, should be getting to bed. Goodnight, and good luck.
@Deadinsideatleast: I have somewhat guessed/thought that you could probably be an INTJ..just exactly like the guy “TomDavis” that I mentioned above, your logical and ‘impersonal objective’ perspective sounds very similar like him.
and thank you for sharing the info on the Industrial society and its future,
I have googled and saved it, will definitely read it soon. looks very interesting!
While we’re on it, I want to ask have you heard of the Zeitgeist Movement The Venus Project, which both are part of a ‘new’ proposed system called Resource Based Economy (RBE) ? it’s currently starting to happen really fast all across the world..it’s really a global movement. try google both of ’em. you might be interested. food for thoughts.