My best friend last year died in a suicide. His wife had cheated on him and I knew he was dangerous and I tried to save him and his career without involving authorities. One day he failed to check in at work and I suspected the worse and visited his home. I opened the door and he was laying in front of me where he had shot himself with a very high powered rifle. The stuff was everywhere. My heart hit the floor. Ever since then I made contact with an old close friend that happened to have been a married woman. At that very moment thoughts of suicide entered my mind. I was hooked on curiousity like a disease that entered my brain. I dream of it and live the thought of it every day by the same method as my friend. My married woman friend slowly kept me away from those thoughts and inspired me to get close with her. We never did anything but she lived an unhappy marriage and we fell in love with each other. One year later, we got in an arguement on the phone and her husband overheard us. The arguement was about another person getting involved with her. Her unblooded cousin. Actually, her aunt’s step son. She had been sextexting him and I found out about it and confronted her about it. After the arguement, her husband made her call me and tell me never to talk to her again bc he feels uncomfortable of our friendship. 13 years friends down the tubes. Yes, I was attracted to her and loved her but I tried not to over step the boundaries of her marriage. I never kissed, nor tried not to push. But my thoughts at the time was if she was doing this type of stuff to this guy, am I being played. I am a man that has money is well off. I do love her and I lost not only my friend and but also someone I loved. I disconnected my facebook and cut myself off from the social world. I can’t stop thinking about her and pulling the trigger. Every day it gets worse. At this moment I’ve disappeared from my friends and family the last 7 days and I am seriously considering the same method as my friend. Except, I don’t want anyone close to me finding me. I’m thinking of leaving the country and rent a hotel and to do the deed.  Its tough not to think about it but even when I try I just want to leave the world. I don’t want to hurt anyone but my anger and depression is building up every day. This morning at my house before leaving to work, I grabbed my rifle and stared down the barrell. I felt nervous and sad but thought about my immediate family. I have no kids and I’m not married. Tough day for me.. I wonder if I have the strength tonight to keep it in my gun safe? I can’t get rid of the thoughts as hard as I try. It sucks.. Suicide is a disease that will never disappear and it entered my mind the day I found my best friend do it.  This is the first time I’ve ever talked about this. Might as well be strangers that wont judge me. I hope.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
3 comments
Suicide is a contagious disease. My best friend killed himself when we were 16, and for years I’ve been obsessed with the thought… thinking how he skipped out on all the hell I’ve had to live through, thinking it would be so easy for me to follow his lead. Maybe it’s the same with you. Once you see it done, it becomes a possibility. A reality.
I can’t offer you any advice on how to save yourself because honestly I don’t know what’s best for you. Also I don’t want to be hypocritical & tell others to live when I have no intention of doing it myself. But I just wanted to say, if you have some money, don’t die without spending it. You can take a long vacation, you can throw yourself a party, or you can start a charity and do something good for the world. If you’re really serious about dying, first spend your money, then kill yourself. It’s sucky advice, I know, but it’s the only thing that keeps me alive… the few bucks I have left in my bank account.
no judgement here. i hear you. suicide is a siren song i just can’t seem to block out either. so clearly i have no advice for how to do that. and when you’re in that place, and that depressed, i’m guessing nothing you could do with your money sounds all that fun. still- you could always try doing something extravagant (or dangerous, like sky-diving) like a kick-ass vacation with the funds before you make a final decision. even if it doesn’t sound that appealing at all, it can’t suck any worse than where you’re at now, it sounds like. maybe a change of scene would be beneficial. and who knows, maybe you could meet someone who would be able to take your mind off things for a while……. or maybe using some funds to help someone/ organization who really needs it, just randomly making others happy for no reason at all, sometimes that can be a temporary mood elevator. it’s like all that feel-good warm fuzzy stuff on hallmark cards (though the warm-fuzzies don’t always penetrate the thick walls of suicidal depression)
it would make me a hypocrite to tell you what to do or whether to be or not to be. however, i’m sure finding your friend that way was pretty devastating to you. someone close to me committed suicide in that way (thank God i didn’t find him, but his little brother and his dad did). so, so many people have never been the same. it’s pain that doesn’t go away. that being said, i realize that, i’ve experienced that, and i still cant silence the suicidal siren song.
Yeah, it sucks.. I can’t remember a single day in the past year without that thought. It worsens daily. I’ve thought about doing stupid stuff like skydiving, bungee jumping and stuff and let it be in God’s hands.. but I just hate this thought..It’s embedded in my mind.