I’m not an angst riddled teenager. I know that I am loved. I know that I am worthwhile, smart, attractive and could make a difference in the world.
But life is hard, it is tiring. It is one obstacle after another, most of which I suppose you learn from, eventually enriching your life experiences. I admit, my life has had more obstacles than many peoples. For one thing I have chronic medical conditions which have severely impacted my quality of life, loosing jobs, having to drop out of school multiple times, and putting me in ongoing debt, even with government assistance and insurance. I also have no family, though I have replaced my biological family with my “logical” family and I have many good friends who are supportive.
I should also mention that I am an atheist. So while I respect life, (I’ve been a vegetarian for decades because I believe killing any other living thing without necessity is wrong), I don’t believe life is a “gift” or that I’m being judged by some higher power.
I suppose I’m just over it. Call it an existential crises that I’ve been having since grade school, but ending my life and just experiencing nothing for eternity sounds peaceful. Both the joy and the pain in life just seem to require so much effort, and in the grand scheme of things we are all just a drop in the bucket. The universe will continue, it isn’t all about the human race.
I guess it is callous to say that I know I could make a difference in peoples lives, but that I just don’t care enough about other people to live for them. But I have to want to live for me too.  But I don’t, and I don’t think I ever have. I’ve had years and years of counseling, medication, and behavioral therapy, which I am sure I will continue until the end. I like to explore my options, and get other points of view on the matter.  But I’ve found no argument compelling. None of it seems to change something fundamental about the way I think.
I wonder how many people live because it is the path of least resistance, we’re already alive so we just keep up with the status quo.
But I’m tired and nothing sounds lovely.
3 comments
I notice I’m a bit late to comment after this was posted 3 days ago, but perhaps it’ll get read. I feel I’m in a similar place. I’ve been an atheist since I left home for college a couple years ago and realize there’s no real point to life. I’m here to make my time as pleasant as possible. I don’t care about making the world better or adding anything to society. It just doesn’t matter. Once I’m gone, what would I care what I’ve done? I could go through the rest of college and get a good job and work and grow old, but I see no point in putting forth the effort if it can never really matter. Not to suggest that my life has ever been difficult relative to the average person, but it’s like working knowing you’ll never be paid. Who cares how hard it is if there’s nothing to get from it? There’s plenty of little things I like, mainly pot now, but I don’t want to work to pay for it.
To just go out peacefully sounds so much nicer. To be nothing with no responsibility or care sounds nice. I’d do it soon, but I recently got close and my family found out and it would seem too much like a slap in the face to kill myself so soon after all their worries are beginning to subside. I won’t wait forever though, I’ll go on for a little while, til they’re no longer worried and I know it won’t haunt my final moments. Perhaps til some new trouble arises or finals come about. Until then I guess I’ll just wait.
Also, if you care for e-mail mine is likenschnimer @ yahoo.com
Of course I’ll not feel insulted if you don’t wish to.
I felt like that for awhile but who hasn’t I’m no religious person I am indeed atheist I’ve felt like that since my mom passed away I don’t what I’m trying to say but here it goes Like i said earlier I am atheist i dont believe in god or whatever people want to call it I just believe in believing yourself even though there truly is no purpose to life i think that’s a purpose in itself to create a purpose for the mean time like why not have pressure finals all the hard stuff in life isn’t that what makes eternal rest worth it why speed up the inevitable why not try i bet your thinking this is one of those crazies that have no right to be here he doesnt think like me but i do im tired but determined to find out whats out there not just death if you didnt feel like i do you wouldnt be alive i know you feel like me cause we’re both alive and curious just live if not for other people or for yourselves do it for answers and maybe you can find something that doesn’t make you feel the way you are find a way to change it just believe in yourself cause that’s what religion is all about its not believing in a higher being it’s believing in you i’ve stared down buildings asking why but then i realized i don’t know and i might never know if i jump with that said i feel man live to find out why even though its rough even though its hard i think that would just make dying all the better knowing that you tried found out at least some answers to your questions excuse me for my grammer im just typing off the top of my head