what do I want?

I don’t even know what i want any more…do i want to live?  kill myself?  cut myself? puke? die? maim? run away? get locked up? cry?

Everyone always says “oh it’ll get better”  well it’s not.  It’s still the same.   Every day I get up and go to a job that I used to love, and have to force myself through the day.  then I go home alone, where no one calls me, no one cares, and no one would notice if i didn’t show up.  no one would notice at wrok either if not for the fact that someone would have to cover for me, and they would just be pissed.

I don’t think I want to die, but i don’t want to live like thie either. 

Why am I so fucking worthless that I can’t even pretend to be happy anymore?  The meds aren’t working, the therapy’s not working, the “alternatives” to the eating disorder and cutting definatly aren’t working. 

I hate myself.  hell can’t possibly be any worse than having to live inside my own head.

I wish I didn’t exist anymore…