I’m getting more and more depressed every day. I still don’t know what’s going on.
I think I’m scared. Scared of the future and what’s going to happen. I’ve explained this yesterday evening.. but I need to say it again, how I can’t fully understand what to do because I can’t do anything about my life until a couple months from now… I want school to happen, I want to stop being lonely and find someone again.
I was reading up on Emily Haines today, I saw a video she posted on Metric’s youtube about her 2008 trip to Buenos Aires, Argentina. She said that she had literally “given up” on writing, though she hadn’t told anyone she worked with. She said that she was scared. She didn’t know what the future held and she had to get away. Buenos Aires was a paradise for her because she knew nobody, she could make new (albeit temporary) beginnings in a place she didn’t know anything about.
I realize I’ve basically gone through what she has in about half the time.. I’m scared. I’m scared to death. I don’t know what I can do about my life and I’m on the brink of insanity because I can’t do anything about it. In my head I’m crying every moment of the day. I’ve only been depressed like this before once, and that was during the winter my last love left me. Usually I can stop being depressed if I tell myself to calm down and stop wallowing in depression, that everything will be okay eventually. I can do this, just not on my own like this for a long period of time. So I’m always thinking myself to death and I’m listening to the music I last listened to when I was this alone, and that was last winter.
…The only thing I want to do right now is be with someone right now, be it my best friend Addy or Briana, and cuddle until I’ve gone numb. I want to rip something out from inside me right now.
It’s so terrifying I can’t scream.
It’s so desperate I won’t talk to anyone.
2 comments
Go after it. Reach out and grab it. You can get through this. Take care.
I’m not sure, but to take a guess, I’d say you’re frighten of the future because you’re afraid that you won’t see yourself the way you want to. Everyone has this fear, I do too. Everyday I wonder what’s going to happen in my future, will I be a success, will I fail? But you have to remember; the future is nothing but what you make it. Meaning whatever steps you take NOW will shape your future without question.
You want to have that perfect husband/wife? Go and search for a possible one now and hopefully they’ll be there six, ten, fifteenth years from now. Want to have a successful job? Go to school, study hard, and keep your goals intact.
Those steps alone will give you a very pleasing future.
Right now, stay strong. Stand up and show people who you really are. It’s alright to be afraid and a little scared. But you have people who care, there is someone out there who will make you happy. All you have to do is stay true to your goals and have patience.
All good things come to those who wait.