I’ve been feeling hopeless and depressed since being a child. Years have passed and i’m in the same place. I don’t see any point of keeping on, keep suffering this nightmare of a life. The only thing i think of doing and look for is dying, however I’m afraid i can’t get myself to go through with it as i sense i have within me [not something i truely aware and believe of] some false hope feeling that some rescue could be found and i could feel different about life. This hope isn’t based at all on my feelings and in my mind i really want to end this suffering. However each time i ask myself way don’t i just do it i feel that there might be a power within me keeping me from going through with my desire. This false hope seems to go against me, as it is keeping me in this horrible nightmare full of pain. I don’t know how to let go of this inner hope that might be preventing me from getting some peace and quiet. Does it make sense to anyone? Again, it’s not that i don’t want to die or that i feel there is hope..It’s that i feel there’s something in the way making it not possible for me to leave this world behind, which i so desperately want to leave. I just feel stuck, like i’m locked in a cage and am sentenced to live this horrible life all the way through, wishing to end it all and get to the key to set me free but unable to reach it. ? ! ? ! !? ! ? ! ?!
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Yo hi…Im an opposed side of you. i Whant to LIVE but its getting harder to stop me self…
The fear you have is a part of you wanting to live… So you Do want to live…
You cane try fighting yore fear by saying something so stupid like ,,Il Go to a better place” And you can also ignore it… but ,,Do you REALLY Whan to Die”?
I feel ya it’s like there’s that little hope that if ya just go and do it’s like the next day just might be the one this whole nightmare might be over and thing might just be alright for once ,.. I don’t know why it’s like that cuz it never has gottin any better in the past and in the future things only gets worse so I wish I had an answer to this I feel like I might never find out but if ya ever need to talk mail me seems like I ain’t got no one to talk about this shut that don’t want to lock me up
Icenine2000us@yahoo.com
I have felt the sme way. Death doesn’t stop appealing. This life is wrong, it’s a painful, masochistic nightmare.
Your intelligence says to die, because you know it’s futile, but your basic survival instic says to survive, because it’s built into our genetic code.
Don’t fear the christian scare tactic called hell. We really CAN find peace in death. There may be an afterlife, there may not be. Either way, it’s probably more peaceful than this turbulent existence. If you are ready to enter the next plane of existence, torture yourself no longer. It’s selfish for others to bind you here. People that love you should want you to find peace.
Thank you for the replies.
This is exactly the feeling. I feel i can’t stand this no longer and i wish to end it all and just “go to sleep” but i sense this force inside me resisting to go through the whole way. I think about it all the time, imagine going and jumping, killing myself in a certain way with no chance of surviving it but to actually do it i feel there’s something in the way. This DAMN, i’m not sure if to call it hope or what…’cause logically and all i feel i have no hope and that’s why i’m so distressed and without relief [like “this nightmare will never end!”] but whenever i come to think of actually going through outside my fantesy and actually doing it it seems there’s a stupid hope inside, something i don’t agree with but sticks with me..
It feels like i’m someone in a burning building, knowing he’s going to keep suffering and burn himself to death. And it’s so painful that you just want to do the hard thing and jump out the window, the only way to stop this pain in this no hope situation..And still there’s this stupid subconcious built-in thought of maybe someone will come and rescue me, maybe if i don’t do the “no way going back” action of jumping i might get help. be saved and stop the pain..
But the help isn’t gonna come, and the flames are rising higher and stronger and stil i stand there screaming from pain and not jumping.
So stupid! I wish i could get this inside uncontrolled “voice” to shut down and understand it’s hopeless..then just give in to the only solution for me – dying.
I’m not afraid of any religion tabu of suicide. It’s not what I’m scared of and what preventing me from going on..
Sure, I’d like to email you..I’ll do that later..
Again, thanks a lot for the replies. I just feel so alone in this prison and it’s good to share this.
NoRopeNoHope,
God loves you so much. God is inside you whether you can recognize it as him or not. He is desperately fighting for your life. He wants you soooooo badly! You can choose to kill yourself, thats your choice. God even gives you that choice. But God wants so badly that you would see that he not only made you, but also died for you! You dont have to jump through any religious hoops, thats not what God is about. But that feeling is him desperately fighting for your heart. I dont know a lot more than God loves you so much, and I love you so much. There might be no one else in this entire earth that cares about you, but listen to me. Im just a young man who has no idea who you are, but I love you, because Jesus loves you, and me. I will do anything I can to help you. Anything. But I have one desire. Please just sit quietly for a moment. And try praying. Say, “God if you are real and love me, show up now. Please.”
I have faith he will show up. Somehow. That feeling inside you is your father who loves you. I promise.
Geez, if ever there were words to describe EXACTLY the place I am in now, then your post has just hit the nail right on the head. I could have written every single word myself and so totally feel where you are coming from, it is unreal. It is nothing short of an internal hell, each day, wanting to die and leave this all behind, yet forever somehow held back by this invisible force which is keeping you here, in this pain and torment. Yet somehow you still cling to this faraway glint in the mointains that you may just be ‘rescued’ or feel different…someday. And so the cycle continues… The difference for me currently, however, is that unlike the past where suicide was purely thoughts and images in my mind, over the last three months I have been finding myself planning things like drafting letters, thinking about personal affairs and even spending the money and taking the risks, legally, to obtain the means. Yet, here I sit, with the drugs in the cupboard and the booze in the fridge, letters drafted and saved, and an image I my mind and a plan of how I’d take the final step (having researched most effective means for a guaranteed and painless death), and I just can’t seem to action that final step, just now… And each day nothing changes. It’s just a stagnant state of wanting lose the pain yet not being able to do shit… Feeling like you do yet you don’t quite want to die, yet you don’t really want to live. Nothing motivates you… You feel like you just cannot win, yet each day the pain, or just simply that boundless void and emptiness, remains the total consumption of your existence. It’s hard to live when nothing feels worth it and you are so tired of just simply having to wake up each day. Yet one dose of this lethal drug I know I’d be dead, yet something seems to create this force which is keeping me engaged in this hellish cycle of nothingness I live. I don’t think I even know what living is or how to because I have been this way for so long, only it is gradually gotten worse over the recent years, to the point where the simplest things, like taking a shower, washing my hair, getting undressed, and going out, seem like a mission of climbing Mount Everest. I am sorry that you, too, seem to be struggling with this internal hell, but know that you have been a consolation to ms in knowing that I am not the only one suffering with this and feeling, quite literally, like I am being torn in two with the conflict. Hugs to you. Jo xx
i really relate to what you wrote. you made my thoughts, my feeling much more clear, well said..
i wish i could cling to something strong enough, just not stay in this limbo situation in between…keep on living but wish to die, without any hope. i wish i could just cling to one side…if i have a slight inner hope that’s keeping me from killing myself i wish it could get me out of this hell as i’m always looking for help, always looking in desperate need for something that would help me change. but if i can’t do that i wish i could just die, end this unending pain already. just not to stay in this place, in this no man’s land…in deep pain yet not able to stop it =[
just watching magnolia again trying to get myself to cry and let some of this pain out…it’s unbearable.