hi, my name is abby

i feel worthless a lot, i feel fat and ugly and weird. i also feel like everyone around me doesn’t actually like me so when today everything went wrong i just went for my second attempt. the first time i tried to kill myself i did it because i feel the world would be better without me, when my dad found out what i had done he said “grow up, and get out” but thats exactly what i was trying to do. I was being mature in my actions by attempting suicide in order to make my family and people who are close to me happier, i feel like i only bring darkness into this world and hate. i don’t really know what else to say exept instead of doing pills this time (last time i took 60 prescription pills) i held a plastic bag up to my mouth and breathed in slowly. I could have called someone like my friends or my mom, but i felt like they have heard enough complaining from me and they probably wouldn’t even listen to what i am saying. so i just kept breathing. i started to get tired and right now im pretty light headed so i decided to figure out a better and faster way to get the job done, so i typed in suicide on google for some retorted reason and while scrolling down something caught my eye, something i didn’t expect. it said “If you are feeling suicidal now, please stop long enough to read this. It will only take about five minutes.” so i clicked on the link. Now you should understand that my first attempt at suicide i was 100% ready to go, i had my note i was listening to music and i was at peace. i knew what the consequences of my actions would be and how maybe one or two people would be sad, but i figured everyone would move on and eventually forget about me. Anyway i was laying in my big sisters bed staring at her blue walls and sinking but then my friend texted me asking me something and i replied no i think and she said “ok i love you!” in that moment i caught myself with tears streaming down my face and replied and told her exactly what i did. instead of being mean, she instructed me to throw as much up as i could and pushed me to tell my mom what happened. walking from that room up to my moms was the hardest thing i ever had to do. Because of that text message i made it, not because i had faith in myself, but because somebody had faith in me. Once i got up there i started balling and after about thirty minutes i confessed what i had done. when my mom told my dad as i said he wasn’t all that understanding. he took my phone and ipod and threw them down the stairs, i went to the ER and they made me drink charcoal and put an iv in i went at 11 ish am and was transferred to a hospital an hour away at about 12 ish pm thats 13 hours. i got blood taken from both hospitals and i had to give the suicidal ward my lace up boots my jacket and i couldn’t hold my own toothpaste. what i don’t get about all that is i could have hung myself with the bed sheets and i clove broken the glass on the shower and slit my neck but obviously the people who made the place aren’t as clever as i am. after a few days with these people i lied my way out of the place insisting that right after i took the pills I decided to throw them up. The doctor ate that bull right up. then i convinced my parents with the same sad story i insisted school was stressing me out, ect. Once i got out i went to therapy a few times but didn’t bother paying attention. But today when everything broke apart i started begging god to take my life instead of me having to do it. i prayed for that, so when i clicked on the link i decided to read. And i did, i read the whole page not skipping any words. as i read i finally felt like someone understood what i felt. im not phsyco or week or stupid. i just cant handle some things that happen to me. i am alright now, i still need help but i know that im not alone. i may be alone in this room but i know somewhere out there someone feels or has felt exactly how i have felt and if they can live, then god dammit i can too.

thank you for reading my long ass story if it helped then great if it didn’t this is the website i read
http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
good luck