I know that there are people worse off than I, but I just feel hopeless. I’m pretty sure it isn’t just teenage angst because the hopelessness has been in my thoughts for 5 years. I’m 18 now.
No one knows I feel like this.
To everyone, I’m the happy, awesome kid that people love to be around because I’m almost never negative.
I have a lot of acquaintances, but I’ve never had a friend.
I never could talk to my family. I almost committed suicide for the sole purpose of getting attention from them. I just wanted to feel like they care about how I feel. They did for a few weeks, but then everything just rolled back into routine. I feel as lonely as I’ve felt when I was in 7th grade. (I just graduated high school.)
Since these feeling of lonelyness have been ongoing for years, it’s not main reason that I feel like committing suicide now. It’s a big part, but not the main reason. There are multiple reasons.
I want to die because I’m just stupid. I’m a little slow. It takes me a little longer to understand material than my classmates.
Every other person in my family is special. My sister is a great leader. My cousins are musically gifted, brilliant, artistic, etc. I have 6 cousins and they are all gifted in some way.
Then I look at me, and I see failure. I’m not good at anything.
The only reason I was in AP classes was because I worked incredibly hard; I worked hard because I’ve always had a dream of becoming a nurse.
Being a nurse is my dream job. It’s what I want more than almost anything in the world. Almost.
Recently, I’ve been convicted of a felony. I was angry one day, and put a hole in the wall. My mom called the cops, and I was arrested. I’ve talked to many people about this, and they say the chances of me becoming a nurse now are slim. My dream career is gone because of my stupidity. Another example of how stupid I am.
On top of this, I recently looked at my financial issue for college, and it seems like the state scholarship was cancelled. I JUST checked it today. Now I can’t attend college because I don’t have enough money. Loans aren’t an option.
So I feel like life is just too hard. I’ve spent most of tonight crying and cutting myself. I used to cut myself, but I stopped when I was 16. I just started again tonight, but it’s different because now that I have an x-acto knife, the cuts are a lot deeper.
The ONLY reason I have killed myself yet is that 1. I’m scared of going to hell. (I’m not religious or anything, but I’m terrified of hell.) and 2., probably most important, I want a family.
The only this I’ve ever wanted more than being a nurse was to raise a family.
I guess I just need advice. I hear people say things get better, but it hasn’t gotten better for me in 5 years. I’m tired.
I don’t have insurance or money, so I can’t see a doctor or psychologist.
Also, on one last note, I’ve been sheltered all my life, so I don’t know how to do anything. I guess you could say that I’m stupid when it comes to having common sense too.
My mom always told me not to worry about anything. I don’t know how ask for a job or anything. Actually, I’ve never had a job. I always babysat my little sister. Another reason I feel completely useless.
1 comment
About the therapist thing–you could try looking into free or cheap counseling services in your county. They do exist sometimes–someone told me about some in my area, run a Google search, see what you find.
I know a guy who can’t pay for college, so he’s going to go to a community college for this semester and then maybe transfer…that’s an option, too. Also, in college there are opportunities to utilize the school’s counseling services if you want help from them…or you could use the school’s insurance or something. idk.
It kind of hurt to read your post, because I can relate–I also feel ridiculously isolated, and my family still thinks it’s a phase after all these years.