I Tried Hard, but Survived…

Im 23 now and I tried to kill myself when I was 20 years old on July 30 2008. It was a Wednesday and I had just got home from fishing with my friend. I’m going to give a little background of me so you can get an idea of why I would do such a thing, and you can decide for yourself whether its worth it… My entire life, ever since I can remember, my mother had been extremely abusive. At age 3 getting beaten and thrown down the stairs of  our 4 floor house was a regular. She had ways of putting fear into me. She was a very angry woman, a stay at home Mom. My Uncle who babysat me also molested me. My father never did anything wrong to me he was such a good father. Only beat my ass if I truly deserved it. I can say with all my heart that my father is a righteous man. My mother cheated on my father. My father always gave her everything. I remember so many fights they had. It was dysfunctional. At 8 years old I remember feeling like I wanted to die because of how sad and scared I always was. I got beat up at school. I was some what of a *****. i never stood up for myself and always got embarrassed and laughed at and made fun of all the way up to 8th grade. It made me so angry. At the same time I would come home and get a beating from my mom (verbal and physical).  I had enough. When I was 13 I raised my hand back at my mom and slapped her… She got so scared because I was such a big kid and I finally stood up for myself I was real angry, She never hit me again after that day and has been such a great and loving mom ever since that moment. That happened in the summer and I remember going back to school with this mean attitude. I beat the shit out of this kid the first day of high school and got a reputation for being a mean dude. I ended up beating up my gym teacher, my dean and my assistant principal throughout my 3 year stay as a freshman and got expelled and arrested. My father begged me to drop out (which was a good thing) because of the attitude I had. I was going no where. I was 17 when i dropped out and started smokin more then weed. I was doing XTC, shrooms, prescription pills, cocaine and whatever else i couldve got my hands on. I was also an extreme alcoholic since the age of 14 when my parents split. I was an all out druggie. By the time i was 18 i had been hospitalized in excess of $20,000 if hospital bills for being too drunk. at this point I was living with my father. He caught me selling drugs and kicked me out. I moved in with my grandma in the ghetto when I was 19. Met this beautiful church girl. She hated drugs. I fell so in love that i stopped sellin and doing drugs to chase this girl. 5 months later she was pregnant with my son and i didnt know if I was ready. Our relationship was falling apart. We were fighting so much and I had so many mental issues. I was suicidal and violent with no job because i was fired from gettin drunk at my work places. I had so many bills to which i had no money for. I felt hopeless. One day I woke up and really felt horrible like no will to live. My friend called me to go fishing so i went. The whole time fishing, i was on the phone with my girlfriend who was 7 months pregnant. We were fighting for hours on the phone. I was so frustrated. I came home and sat down to think about my life. I thought ” I’m 19, no job, about to be a father with a girl I just seem to always fight with, I have no parenting skills, I have so many bills and no money”……………………. Then I snapped…… I ran into the kitchen and grabbed a butcher knife with sharp jagged teeth and sliced my wrist with as much speed and force as I can. I sliced 26 veins, cut open an artery, completely severed every nerve tendon and ligament, and manged to also slice into my bone with how deep I sliced….  I survived because of God whether you want to believe it or not , But Im not going to preach to you Im simply writing this to let you know that IT IS NOT WORTH IT! My hand doesnt work anymore I cant feel it and it is disabled 3 fingers do not move and the other 2 hardly move. My son is a beautiful young lad and it turns out I was ready to be a Dad lol. Im 23 now and I still have no job because I have a horrible criminal record because of thing I did after the suicicde attempt but I will never think of suicide again . Lesson learned.  Thank You for reading         feel free to comment or send me a message