Im slipping away slowly.

About 4 years ago i lost my grandmother. I was probably the hardest thing Ive ever had to deal with. I’m still not over it and i think about her often. Shortly after that i started to cut myself. I cut myself for about a year and no one knew about it. One day i decided i needed to stop. Ive gone almost 3 year with out cutting myself and Ive been fine up until now. Lately I  just sad all the time, I put HUGE walls so one can get close to me and as soon as someone gets close to me i cut them out, i don’t know why and i don’t mean to i just subconsciously do it. About a month ago i felt a strong urge to cut myself again because i was really stressed, but i didn’t. But not a day goes by now where i think of killing myself and cutting. I know deep down i wont cut myself but i do wish i was dead sometimes. I’m a high school dropout, i dropped out in February, i just finished summer school and my parents continue to tell me how proud of me they are. I makes me hate myself every time they say that because i think how? How can they be proud of me when i haven’t finished high school, i have no motivation and i fake being happy everyday? I have amazing parents and an amazing best friend who would do anything for me but still im so suicidal lately i don’t know why i just am :(.