I’m thinking of a title… My life is just beginning? Naw idk

Today, I woke up from a dream that I had an older brother that I could look up to, he was thought to be cool and all that. In the dream, I thought of how much of a disappointment I would be to him. First time in my life I, or my dreams, thought how pitiful and disappointing I am by actually addressing it. I felt sad about it, and woke up afterwards disoriented and sad. It’s 2 am again and Ive decided to post again. My uncle was making fun saying how in that dream did that older brother rape me or do stuff to me… Retard, his girlfriend cheats on him and is a total ***** and he finally decided to leave her. Anyways, supposedly the story behind the dreams was I was getting anonymous texts/e-mails from a brother that was 5-10 years older than I. I woke up wishing dearly for it to be true, but life ain’t a fucking fairytale. (quoting myself when I got. Rejected by girl of my dreams).

Also I was walking into the computer room and I fell and for some reason I seemed to enjoy the painful sensation across my left leg and arm. I even startled the baby and my mom. I don’t understand how excruciating pain that caused me to tear up, could feel so good. I may be in need of giving myself pain to cope with trouble. I’ve never cut in my life, is that feeling I felt in pain the same kind from cutters?

A few minutes ago, I saw flashpoint (canadian show or something, watching netflix), a man was outraged how his daughter waited 14 months, over a year to get his daughters heart implant or whatever, and he pulls a gun demanding to take the heart of another patient to save his own daughter. In the end the man who got the heart, asked a favor to give it to the child. I feel sad, but haven’t been able to cry anymore. It’s close to 3am, my memories seem to make out the sounds of other peoples voices and noises, probably my insane hour or something…

I’m still suicidal, even though my life is just beginning at the age of 16. I want to jack a cops gun and threaten to kill. Hopeful get shot dead, instead of using the gun on myself, but I don’t have the balls or the luck for that to happen…

I could go on, but you probably won’t read this because its late or early, wherever you are. Or this is just too damn long for you to read this. My hair is getting long, for a males standard, but my uncle harrasses me saying it looks more like a mullet and I can’t run and hide or else he will know somethings wrong so I take it like he takes shit from his bitchy girlfriend. Maybe it runs in the family… My bangs (or whatever the are the front hair) is up to my eyebrows, going for the Peter Petrelli from Heroes look or something, to cover my left??? (can’t remember) eye. Maybe it’s a little Emo/whatever it is these days (Emo seems like those gay guys who think spitting out cum isn’t gay, and all that nasty shit)). Goodnight, good morning, whatever. Wish I had that older brother, I need someone good and cool to look up to…