It’s been pointed out that if you’ve sat though over a half a movie and it’s sucked the whole time, the chances are it’s not going to get any better right before the end…
Well, I’m now 42. I’ve battled depression nearly as far back as I can remember. Two suicide attempts previously, tried anti-depressants and therapy on a couple of occassions (different therapists each time)Â which I will never try again. I always left feeling like a walking raw nerve, more depressed than before the session and even extremely agitated. Never again.
So now I have no job, no job prospects as I am completely unqualified in anything and actually quite stupid - seriously, it’s even been pointed out to me, so I’m not just sulking or looking for you to try and correct me, ok? No home – a rental that I can barely keep up payments for and no heating (during sub-zero temperatures), no future, no nothing. Nothing, plain and simple. I really don’t see any way out this time and every month gets worse. My future is to struggle every day for the rest of my life. Wow, what a wonderful gift. Why shouldn’t I find a way to end this?
I know what you’ll ask and no, I do not have any friends or family to talk to about this. I’ve pretty much eliminated most people from my life and I’m comfortable with that. They’re all sick of my depressing demeanor anyway, so screw it, they’re no help. I don’t think my life/movie is even going to get mediocre before the end and I’ve had enough. Isn’t suicide a valid option?
8 comments
Hi Will. First off, I liked your comment/quote on movies/life. Thanks.
Regarding your question, I’d have to say that for me, personally it is certainly an option I’m reserving for myself, I believe (at the moment anyway) in a dignified life, self-determination etc.
But for anyone else, I won’t encourage it. Partly because I really like 90% of the people I encounter in life and I like them being alive, partly because I can never know their circumstances as well as them, and therefore wouldn’t be able to make the right call. But mostly because I know from my own life that hopeless situations sometimes (if rarely) get better. Unlike in the movies, I guess.
Also, I still feel uneasy about suicide ’cause I used to believe in accepting your lot in life, however horrible, and living life through to the end, without interfering in the proces. But that was before I got medicated and became more jaded and cynical.
I have to agree with the posted above- I really liked your movie analogy, too. Actually, when I go back and read your post- you seem to be really intelligent and an excellent writer. You don’t seem dumb at all. You have real talent there. If you don’t like people I’m sure you could find some type of job writing online, especially in this day and age. Everything is virtual now. There are people who never leave their homes.
I wish I had that kind of talent because I HATE people and I would like to never have to deal with them in person. I’m bipolar and have wicked anxiety that likes to creep up on me at the worst times. People think I’m a freak.
I’m with you on the talk therapy, too. I went to a million doctors and always felt worse afterward. Funny enough, I finally found the right doctor when I took my kid in for an ADD screening at the recommendation of her school nurse. She didn’t have ADD but the child psychiatrist met me and noticed I was totally nuts and took an interest in me. He normally doesn’t see adults but we liked each other. He’s really nerdy like I am so it worked out. Mind you, this was after something like 15 years of failed attempts so I had ruled out therapy altogether by then. You just have to be willing and open to the idea that the right therapist may be out there.
Please recognize that you ARE talented and you are not stupid. There are job prospects out there if you search in the right places.
There are also social services that will assist you with rental payments if you get behind. Even more so if you are mentally ill or disabled.
XOXO and lots of luck to you. My husband has the WORST taste in movies but I have come to realize that even those terrible movies can be pretty interesting on a Sunday afternoon.
Thanks for the reply muspelhem. Being cynical is a natural reaction to when life that doesn’t add up to much, I think. Do you find the medication makes you more jaded and cynical? If so, that’s surprising to me – when I was on meds, I felt just as hopeless and worthless, but it didn’t bother me as much. It pulled me from suicidal thoughts to a degree, at a cost of no highs, no dangerous lows, just a dull acceptance of an unfulfilled existence. – Huxley’s Brave New World in action…
I can see hope in your situation, in that liking 90% of the people you encounter is a pretty good percentage! My experience in life would barely be half of that number to be honest. Most people would probably call me some kind of a misanthrope, but to me it’s simply a case of what my personal life experience has taught me. I see no hope for the species whatsoever, although that doesn’t bother me much. I don’t even like being considered part of the same species, which makes it a lot easier to consider checking out.
Sounds to me like you have good people around you and a reasonable handle on things. Best wishes for you mate, and thanks again for the reply.
Thanks for the kind words justme29. Although really, the fact that I can string some words together doesn’t negate the fact that in a practical sense I am the intellectual equivalent of a bag of rocks – really dense rocks. Kind of like the absent minded professor who knows his subject, but can’t figure out a microwave oven or riding a bike. I can’t ride a bike either, but I do know how to make scrambled eggs in a microwave…
It had crossed my mind that maybe it’s a matter of finding the right therapist. I think this is one of the many problems facing lower socioeconomic people – the best therapists are probably out of reach and the options left are possibly those that are just out of training or simply not very good. Makes sense to me. On top of that, social services in this country are in the process of HUGE budget cuts, as I guess is happening in many places with the global recession. One area being cut is sickness benefits and health services, while the rich get richer as per usual. It isn’t a good time to be alive if you’re prone to depression and anxiety.
Having said all that, you seem to be proof positive that help can come from a situation you don’t expect. Here’s hoping…
I’m glad you have found the right help and wish you and your family all the best.
Oh, by the way, the movie analogy comes from a comedian who I probably shouldn’t mention here. He takes on the darker issues of life and may check out Hunter S Thompson style eventually. It isn’t for everybody especially those with depression (he knows of at least two fans who have committed suicide, not that it was his fault), but he is right on the money with the subjects he tackles. Doug Stanhope. There I said it – listen at your own peril. Die laughing.
Remember, someone still wants to fuck you somewhere
I doubt it
Lol at sylviaplath