I can’t make the motions anymore.

I absolutely hate myself. Deeply.  I am constantly lying to people I care about to cover my ass. Every single smile on my face is fake and forced. Because nothing even makes me smile. And then the loneliness sets in and weighs me down to the point where I can’ t even concentrate. My job is completely dead-end, I have no room for advancement, and I’m too much of a fucking wuss to take a risk and change jobs, or to go back to school. That has no guarantees. I’m too scared to take any kind of financial risk, even if it would be beneficial. My “relationship” is bullshit because, though we’re “together” in our social circles, his religion forbids us from ever being together. Because I’m from a secular family. I’m in a dead end relationship that I’m too much of a complacent asshole to let go of. Then I cheat on him with my cousins best friend. My cousin is the nicest person and I fucking did that. If she finds out, she’ll never speak to me again. If any of his stupid friends decide to be an asshole and tell her, half my family would absolutely lose all respect for me.  And I wouldn’t blame any of them. I’m so deeply unhappy and have been for a long time, and now I’m managing to drag other people down with me. Fucking their lives up. And my cousins best friend… happens to be a complete narcissistic asshole. It wasn’t worth it. It never was. I’m tired of covering my ass constantly at work for other peoples fuck ups, then having to deal with my own fuck ups in my personal life by lying about them and creating more problems. I can’t keep up with the lies anymore, I can’t stand my job anymore, I can’t stand taking the subway anymore. I can’t stand hacking up disgusting shit every morning because I can’t quit smoking cigarettes. I hate pretending not to feel completely dead inside every time I walk into the office. Like my soul is being bashed repeatedly with a bat. I hate that I’m falsely diagnosed and being pumped with way too many amphetamines prescribed by drug dispensing doctors and that I’ve completely lost control of every aspect of my life.  I can’t deal with the guilt I feel when I see my family. I wish, pretty much every day of my life, that my mother would have aborted me rather than opting to keep her unplanned pregnancy and marrying my asshole father. I ruined her life. And I’ve often, mostly unintentionally, fucked up other peoples lives as well. If any of my worlds were to collide, I would most likely lose everything that matters to me in my life. I contribute nothing positive to the world and I really don’t think I deserve to a part of it.