After a long time of hoping and praying, hoping and praying, hoping and praying, and trying to be optimistic, I feel like I have really hit rock bottom. The taste of motivational thoughts, sayings, videos, etc only last so long, and then reality hits once again with anothe rejection or dissapointment. There is little change or progress after so much effort, and I feel so hurt and betrayed, abandoned and alone.  Thoughts of ending it all are, and have been, a constant companion. But I don’t have the courage at this time to end it (at this time, anyway). I think about what my mother would go through.
I have always been a person who has worked very hard in school and got good grades in college. I really really wanted to be a doctor and after 2 years of waiting, I finally got in, only to fail out 2 years later. I suffered multiple setbacks in med school and to fail out really really shook my confidence, my self-esteem and my personality overall. This is especially true when I saw my fellow classmates graduate from medical school and go onto a career. I worked just as hard as they did! Why couldn’t I have succeeded too?? Why was I destined to fail??? Why did I go to medical school if I was destined to fail?? Although this happened six years ago, the experience reveberates my soul.
After some soul searching, I saw an opportunity to do a doctorate, and I took it. I am happy to say that I finished this summer, but I am once again dissapointed by the fact that I cannot find a decent career position in my field. I apply and apply and apply, and network, but with no result. Of course, I know the economy is in shambles, but I was still, once again, hoping and praying and hoping and praying that perhaps this time I will succeed. That has not happened (perhaps yet). It is really really dissapointing, but I wonder if I am ever destined to succeed. It really kills me inside after putting in some many years of effort and can’t find a relevant job. I wonder and I wonder…
A second issue (that is perhaps hitting me even harder): the yearning to be with someone. I have been alone (i.e. without a girlfriend) for so many years, that I wish I could be with someone. I see so often couples holding hands, couples hugging, couples kissing, and I wonder if I can be in that situation. I have to deal with some cultural parameters relating to marraige/relationships, so this makes it especially harder. Just the other day, I saw a picture of a former medical school classmate with his new bride, and I almost broke down completely. It really hit me hard. Don’t get me wrong, I was so happy for the guy, but I wished I could be with someone too. I wish it could have worked out for me to, so I could have been in a similar position. Instead whenever I try to approach a girl that I like, I get rejected time and time again. There isin’t an hour that goes by that I do not wonder what the hell is really going one. Is life just a game??? Is this really for real?
Is there anything better than this?? I guess the only positive thing going on in my life on a weekly basis is that I excercise and eat well, so I am in shape.
Nonetheless, I am really hurt and dissapointed. I wish I can be with someone that I am attracted to. I don’t know why any of this has happened yet, and maybe I never will. I don’t know how much longer I can go on with this dissapointment and broken-heartedness. It has crushed my soul.  Perhaps I am naive, but a person who struggles and works really hard should succeed, should be rewarded, should be compensated.
I hope that God also reads this message.
darknight
3 comments
i love the end “i hope that God also reads this message” :]
nearly the same in my life – working hard and waiting for success or anything and its just not coming.
Like with relationship. Finally found, but distance is 1ooo km.
But don’t worry buddy, luck will come to me and You. one day.
>Instead whenever I try to approach a girl that I like, I get rejected time and time again.
Just curious, how do you know these girls that you say keep rejecting you? Are you friends with them? DId you meet them in med school? Or are you just approaching girls you see when you go out?
There are no obligations of others in this world to reward or compensate another. Expectations are just premeditated resentments, meaning when we don’t get what we want or think we are owed we get pissed off.
Some of us are just destined to be alone in life.
I was married twice, ……. and now I have no expectations or desires to be married again. Yes I am suicidal, yet it has nothing to do with relationships or lack of.
I’m guessing your in the early to mid 30s.
Just do the next right thing, put one foot in front of the other and live your life.
Constant thought of what you don’t have is not good, think of the things you do have.
Hey, your not the only one who isn’t finding work within the scope of what they took at school.
Join a group of people with a purpose, political, scientific, religious, social, etc. these groups always have a mix of people to meet.