But I need to get it out. Saying it aloud makes it too real. I can’t handle it if it’s that real… So I found this site and maybe if I start getting it out here, it will be easier to handle.
When I was little I, about 9 or so, I don’t remember for sure my memories are muddled and broken up, I had a babysitter. I don’t remember how long I went there. But I remember I didn’t like it there. I felt awkward from the moment I started going. Well, she had a daughter who was about 13 and a boyfriend who was always angry. He terrified me, especially from the eyes of a child. One day, her daughter and son (he was about 6) started throwing his tobacco all over the place. Not gonna lie, I was a goody good, and terrified of getting in trouble. They threatened to say I had been the one to do it and then preceded to force me to eat the tobacco.
Bear with me, my memories are hazy and I am not sure of how much time passed. But her daughter at some point after this threatened to frame me with the tobacco. She put a blanket over the slide in the backyard, making a sort of small fort. She made me go inside; she told me she was going to teach me how to treat a boy and how I should allow one to treat me. She touched me in ways my mother told me I should never allow, but I was scared and didn’t know what else to do. She took a childlike innocence and mindset that I will never be able to get back.
I recently learned that her mother moved into a house two blocks from mine. I do not know where her daughter is, but I have seen her mother quite a few times around town. (I live in the same town still, it is a rather small town) I haven’t been able to stop the flashbacks. It feels so much more real than it ever has. A year ago, I admitted what happened to my mother, but that is as far as I got. I can’t bring myself to say aloud any more of what happened. I can’t speak the details. But now, I haen’t been able to avoid them. All of these memories are repeating like a broken record in my mind. I feel violated. I’ve had to go home from school for anxiety attacks quite a few times. I haven’t been able to work without worrying she is going to show up. (I work in a fast food restaurant) I have never been a stable person, but lately I have been much worse than normal. I’m scared of where I am heading. I have a history with self-harm, and I have been trying to get passed it. It started getting bad, I could never get deep enough, and I am terrified of where that path will lead if I slip again and how fast it will lead there. And I feel so close to slipping. I’m right on the edge and I don’t now what to do.
9 comments
Thankyou for sharing, I am so sorry you went through this horrible ordeal. Are you speaking to a professional? The fact that you are having ‘flashbacks’ means that you are probbaly repressing a lot of memories, and maybe a professional would be able to help you deal with all this.
keep holding on, you’re doing good.
You should tell her mom about it.
I don’t know how well that would go. Honestly I believe her mother is into some serious drugs. And I can’t help but hate her, she was supposed to protect me she was my guardian. I don’t wish to speak to her.
How did your mother respond when you told her about it? I agree with one_day, you do need professional help. I don’t know how things work in your town, but if it helps to give you closure, you may wish to lodge a complaint with the police.
I am seeing a professional. But a major issue I have is my inability to stabily approach the issue. I’ve yet to say any details aloud. I just feel stuck. RIght now my therapist is trying to help me deal with anxiety and depression in healthier ways.
As for the police, I don’t think they could be of much help. Statute of limitations, plus a lack of proof and I do not know where exactly her daughter is. I just see her mother almost saily now, it’s drudging everything up. I think bringing it up with the police may cause more harm than good to be honest.
It is NOT a good idea to confront this woman if you’re not ready… and you’re clearly not. I also don’t think talking to police is a good idea for now… bringing anything up with police requires you to have strength and confidence enough to withstand questioning… and maybe you’re not ready yet. If you feel ready later, you should though.
Your priority now should be YOU getting better. So you can’t talk about it yet… but you can obviously write about it. Can you write it all down and show your therapist?
Writing is down and giving it to my therapist is a good idea, thank you. I think I may give that a try. Verbalizing it just makes it real on a much higher scale, I just don’t think I am ready for that yet.
I see… you can keep talking about it here at SP, too. It’s better than keeping it in and reaching breaking point. Work slowly with your therapist; things will get better.
So much easier to write than to say out loud, isn’t it! Good luck, and be honest with your therapist, otherwise they can’t help you.