I am a horrible person. I want to die because all I do is hurt people, especially the ones I care about most of all.
There is only one person I really care about. She is a teenage girl who, due to the corrupt American legal system, is going to die in prison. She has already spent 2 years in adult jail, being raped and beaten on a daily basis. I had a lot of compassion for her, so last year, I wrote to her asking to be my pen pal. She accepted, and for a about a month, things went well.
But then I did the unforgivable. We were talking about books we liked in our letters, and I said my favorite book was “CUT” by Patricia McCormick. Which is about a teenage girl who cuts herself. And this pen pen cuts herself as well. And I knew it. And after I wrote that, she hasn’t written me back in almost a year.
I want to die. She is the only person I care about, and I hurt her so much. It was my purpose in life to help her, but now she won’t even open my damn letters. I don’t want to live anymore. I can’t take the guilt. I don’t want to live without her. I tried to replace her, but she can never be replaced. I’ll never hear from her ever again, and she will always be suffering. I’ll take this guilt to the grave, but I’m too much of a ***** to actually kill myself. So, I guess I’ll just spend the next few decades suffering, while she gets raped and beaten every day. 🙁
What do I do?
27 comments
jacob,
I suggest trying to open your mind about what may have happened. also, I think you should consider why this girl means so much to you. not that she’s not important, surely she is, but i don’t think that a lack of response from her means that you should end up this way. if you’d like to talk about it, I’d be glad if you emailed me. I think that being strong is important in this world, because sad things will happen.
I hope to hear from you, or anybody else that would like to contact me
she probley hasnt gotton your letters in jails they dnt alwways give your your mail
jacob. What your going to kill your self cause you lost your pen pal. And your favorite book is a about a teenage girl who cut’s her self? Maybe she did not write back to you cause she think’s your a creep? Are you in your 20’s?
Dr Dolittle: I’m 18 years old. Just a year older than her. And the reason I like that book is because I’ve never read one that I could relate to so much.
Hailey: I’ve sent her like 8-10 letters/cards since the “CUT” comment, so I think the chances of her accidentally not getting any of them is highly unlikely. So, either she hates me and is actively ignoring me, or the guards are throwing away her letters on purpose (which is also likely, but if its true, there is nothing I can do to help that either.) 🙁
If you are 18 you can do something about this. Have you tried going to the prison to find out? Contact them somehow? Contact someone from her family? Don’t just stay there and mope.
The Absurdist: I cant go to the jail myself, because it’s 9 hours away from where I live. I know a way to contact them, but I worry that will just make things worse. Probably make me look more like a stalker than I already do. 🙁 I don’t know anybody in her family. What do you think I should ask the people working at the jail, if I decide to contact them?
So what your saying is that you can relate. Are you teenage girl who cut’s. Ok she’s hot right?
Dr. Dolittle: I’m not a teenage girl, but I have dealt with self-injury in the past. And I can definately relate a lot to the protagonist’s feelings of depression.
Ok she’s hot right? jacob she prob think’s your a creep. Why you really tell her your favorite book is cut? You new she cut. Maybe she can see thought you.
Ugh dolittle don’t be a jerk.
Anyway Jacob, if you really care you have to find out somehow but before you do understand that in the end you have very little control over her life and that if something did happen to her it wasn’t your fault.
I wanted to be honest. I was hesitant to mention it, so I asked a woman on Facebook who has a child in prison. She said it would be ok, so I reluctantly mentioned it. And I’ve regretted it ever since. 🙁
What i’m trying to say is just be real. Dont just send shit you think she will like. Send her what your into to.
Absurdist: What if contacting them makes things worse? And it WAS my fault that I mentioned that book and made her feel worse. And, since she is most likely never going to write to me ever again, how do I deal with that pain?
You have to face facts here. If she really has it as bad as you say in prison then things can’t get much worse for her, and if she had suicidal tendencies that life would have triggered them sooner or later. I agree it probably wasn’t the wisest thing to tell her about that book but that said at least you were being honest about yourself.
I know things can’t get worse for her. I meant things could get worse for me, because if I contact the jail about the letters, they might block all my letters (if they haven’t already) or she might be even more convinced that I’m a stalker. 🙁
Either way, I don’t know how to deal with the pain. 🙁
Jacob stop stalking move on.
You should find out, all the while being prepared for wathever you find. You wouldn’t have to tell anyone about the letters, just find out if she’s alright.
You didn’t know how she was going to react.If she doesn’t want to know there’s not much more you can do.
Personally I wouldn’t have sent a book about cutting to someone spending life in prison.Just live and learn and accept it ur still young
I didn’t send her the book. I just mentioned it in one sentence. But it still hurt her so much, and in turn, hurt me. 🙁
You’re just turning in circles here. First find out if she’s alive.
Jacob what can you do. Go there with a cake. Place a saw in the cake. Maybe she can break out?
Jacob what can you do. Go there with a cake. Place a saw in the cake. Maybe she can break out?
Absurdist: I know for a fact that she is alive. I think she is ok (well, as ok as possible, given the circumstances) because I saw a photo of a letter she wrote to somebody on Facebook a couple months ago. So, that means she CAN write letters to people, she just can’t (or won’t) write letters to me.
Well if other people on Facebook are writing to her maybe you can find out indirectly. If she is well then it’s a real possibility she doesn’t want to talk to you anymore. You’ll have to be prepared for that eventuality.
You’re will just make yourself sick and depressed.Are you lonely or something that you have to write to a stranger in prison.The best thing you can do is get a girl in real life and look to the future.
If u need someone to talk to u can always email me ik Wats its lyk to be in pain and feel alone Idk how much help Il b but Im here
I am confused about how any of this can happen…
How does someone in jail have access to implements that they can cut with? Don’t seem very likely. Jacob, How did you find out that she cut? She told you? Or someone else? There is every possibility that she is lying about this – maybe doolittle is right, and she thinks you’re a stalker and doesn’t want to talk to yo so she told you that lie to get rid of you.
Either way, Doolittle is right – you need to move on. Either she lied to you and you shouldn’t continue talking, or she didn’t lie, and she is obviously such a volatile person that it is dangerous being around her, because any little book reference will co-erce her to do stupid things… your obsession with this girl is unhealthy, mostly for YOU.