I’m at my end….

I just cant take it anymore. Life just seems to be an abundant pile of shit that just gets deeper and deeper. I guess im at this site coz i needed to say this. I’ve been dealing with depression (or whateva this months doctor wants to call it) since i was 16. I’m 28 now. I have been off and on medication for years. It hasn’t gotten any better. I proberbly should have off’d myself back then and saved myself (and my family) the pain and the hassle. I am so alone. I relate to nothing in this world. My only mild feelings of contentment are  when either consumed by drugs and alchohol or bingeing on junkfood or masturbation. And even then its mearly a temporary escape that always leaves me in massive bouts of self loathing.  I have no one i trust or can call a true friend. I cant even rely on my family anymore because theyve all cast me off as a waste of their time and effort. I genuinly think they would be better off without me draggin them down. My so-called freinds tell me im good at what i do and that i “seem fine”. They dont see that everything i do is all an act, its all bullshit. ALL OF IT.  I have no self worth, no redeeming features and no purpose. I either off myself now or simply add more days of misery to my pathetic exisistance. The more i put off the inevitable, the worse it gets. I’ve herd that if you drop far enuff with the right sort of noose it will actually remove the head from the body. That sounds fuckin glorious. the only thing left for me that  makes me feel any semblance of happiness or control is the ability to kill myself. I think about it alot. EVERY DAY, ALL DAY, ALL THE FUCKIN TIME. i just want respite. i want to rest. i dont see any other way. ive tried conseling, ive tried medication. All to no avail. things just get worse every day.  There is no hope left. In fact puting this into words helps me realize how futile it all is. There is only one option. Man up and do it proper. I’m at my end.