Wandering Soul

I will remain anonymous,

My first thoughts of suicide began in school at the age of 6, 7 or 8 years old ( I was in the 2nd and 3rd Grade)

Other kids made fun of me for being fat and different. I cried at school and came home nearly everyday for the first 4yrs of elementary school crying and asking why me? I did not understand why people felt that way towards me, and could not conjure why they would to any other person. My own perception of reality was traumatized, but yet at the same time, I gained the understanding of it. I first started exposing my feelings to girls in my class….I passed notes to them in class because I was too afraid to say anything to them in person. I took the bad feelings I had out on the girls I passed notes too when they didn’t respond to me. Soon it was not long until my parents were involved because the notes I passed containing suicidal references had been discovered by the teacher. The school put me into a self esteem class where I sat wondering why I was receiving help on my self-esteem issues because typically I felt completely fine. It was only when the added stress took root did I start to feel completely vulnerable to world and its hate. I started losing sleep at a young age, having frequent and terrible night terrors. When I tried to go to bed I would see a dark shadow hovering over my bed, or like it was coming over me from the ceiling so I could not go to sleep without being afraid. I had friends in school, but still felt insecure about myself. I farted a lot and found myself with bouts of hysteria frequently around the time I felt like dying. My parents got me involved in sports, I made friends and had fun, yet still I felt like I was missing something.

I moved to a new town when I was 10 years old. The move was traumatic. My first month of 5th grade seemed like hell. I sat in class rocking back and forth, laughing and banging my head on the desks just to gain attention. My actions soon gained the interest of people around me, but it was not the interest that I needed. I was picked last on the teams even though I was the best player in each sport. I cried in school because people did not want to talk to me or hang out with me. People looked at me differently because I acted different from them.

In middle school my nerves calmed down and I started to experience with ‘sex’. Sexual thoughts brought my mind arousal and pleasure, this swayed the terrible emotions I had felt my whole life previously. While I still felt sadness and anger at times, my friends helped me get through it….girls. I turned to all the girls I talked to with my problems, they always listened and cared. It helped me more than anything else because to me it gave me the feeling of love. I did not love them sexually, I loved the way they treated me with love. I never found ‘love’ though in middle school or high school. The girls I knew all spread out into their own cliches and separated from me.

I did not engage in any sexual acts during my adolescents and am now a virgin who sits at his parents house, alone in his room on a Saturday night because he’s masturbated himself into a bitter pit of shame and misery. I have no idea how to approach women, what to say, and I afraid to even try.

Recently I have stopped masturbating completely and have found myself with a crippling spinal pain. I believe that there has been a reason for my emotional, mental and physical pain…and it is MS.

The shadow I seen as a child recently returned to me. I feel alone, afraid and ill. But I know that I am strong enough to see the light. There is something in my way casting a shadow where my path should be.