Why? Who? Where? What? How?

October 12th, 2011by thecountoftears

My body has been a source of my pain, but I never thought it would be the reason I’m alive.

 

I do not bleed. My life is out of control and in a horrible cycle. I work to get money, to pay for gas, to go to work, to not eat, to feel like I am somebody, so I can go to work and fake a smile.

Why can’t my life end easily? Apparently when other people can just look at something sharp and be bleeding, I need to drag the blade over my skin over and over and over just to get ANYTHING. I always thought I would kill myself by cutting my wrists and hanging myself, but I can’t handle the rope on my neck either.

 

I shouldn’t be alive.

I’m thinking a hose and a full tank of gas would do me good. Just park in the backyard, hook up my hose, sit in my car, hotbox it with weed, take some pills, start my car and finish off my life with a pint of vodka.

Will it hurt?

I’ve been hurt so much lately. If I die will others who I’m a rock for finally die too? Better question.

Will I care?

My mother wouldn’t care. My father’s dead. My grandmother would be jealous that I got out. My sister would lose her babysitter. Would my babies father cry? Which one is my babies father?

Should I care?

I’ll miss my best friend. I’m scared for him.

Heroin could be a good idea too.

Should I gas myself and add heroin in the mix listed above?

Note or none?

What would I put on it?It would take me a novels length to tell people why, who I would miss. No mention of those who I won’t.

Perfection only last’s us so long. I refuse to hate myself anymore.

I guess the real question is how big of a hose should I buy?

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