Depression Kills

having suffered a job loss and falling into an acute depression, life is becoming harder to handle. the depression was triggered by the job loss but is caused by years of drug abuse. i quit the drug of choice to maintain this job that meant alot to me. i didn’t make thru the 3 month probation. this devistated me and brought me into a deep depression. my head is perma buzzing from the depression-drug damaged brain. i can’t concentrate and buzzing doesn’t seem to want to stop. my anti depressent don’t seem to be working. all i want to do is end my life. my helplessness, hopelessness and low self esteem and insecurities from my depression is putting my life in jeopardy. everyday that i am alive is truely a blessing from God. i know the devil wants to take me because i have sinned by doing drugs for 20 plus years. now it is pay back time for the devil. i am truely hoping the good Lord will help me thru my suicidal depression and set me free. keep me alive. i actually had everything in place to comit such action. however it takes a whole lot more to actually persue the act. leaving my wife and kids behind. i wouldn’t expect them to forgive me for this selfish act. i know that i would be a coward for such tragedy, but it seems like the only way out from my mental illness called depression. it has been two months into my depression and it takes everything out of me to stay alive. i lost 20 lbs by not eating,caused by the depression. at times my anxiety was so bad,that i just wanting all the suffering to go away and die. i am still not out of the woods yet. i still can’t see any progress in my depression. i am hopping that time will heal me and that i can become a productive person in this world. it is hard to work 40 plus hours a week for many many years but it might be better then dying. i guess i have to convince myself of this in order to be tankfull that i am still alive to this day. my first encounter with depression 3 years ago almost killed me. i really didn’t think i was going to make it. i vowed to my wife that i would not do drugs again. i lied, all my life i have been stoned. this was my life. it was what my brain needed to function. now my second depression. will it kill me or make me stronger. i know for a fact that if i do drugs again i definitely not live. therefore i now have a second chance at life. if my wife leave me i’ll be devastated and probably back into a depression. i hope that quitting drugs will give me a level head to deal with the stresses in life and to carry on, despite being an insecure person. to all those people that struggle with depression i truely hope you have the time ,the councelling and the family backing to bare and grind this horrible feeling. may you be blessed by God to live another day, hour, minute, second, week, month, year, decade. love yourself, and love others because they can save your bacon.